It�s so strange to look back at the early entries of this diary.
I feel like it�s written by a girl needing to be saved, and I wish I could reach out to her, warn her, tell her to stop and think long and hard about where she might be going.
I thought I was miserable then and that everything was too messed up, but that is nothing compared to the way I am living now. Hardly living, existing.
I could have been repaired then, I wasn�t as broken as I thought I was.
My worries are filled with she said this and she told her that, friends discovering my big secret, pushing too far into the illusive world of my eating disorder.
Trying to keep it all hidden, but it was best that way, it really was.
Now everyone knows, I am so exposed and I hate it hate it hate it.
Yearning to dissolve between the cracks in the ground.
I could still restrict then, fast, control my body. I calculated calories and exercised to drop unwanted pounds. My goal was to be reached by a huge loss. I never realised until later on that no low weight would ever be low enough. I would always be too much. It was all new and mysterious, almost exciting, thrilling, finding new ways to push the limits. None of it seemed damaging, I was so na�ve. Anorexia and bulimia were near to being foreign words to me. It didn�t occur to me that anything was wrong until I saw how much I was hurting other people too.
I don�t update much at all anymore, and if I do it�s usually brief entries at Livejournal (http://livejournal.com/users/cryintherain). It just seems like a task, pulling past grievances from the dirt, trying to make things seem different, changed, but there is none.
My sugars are a little better these days, I try to take my long acting insulin often, as a baseline, but aside from that I am still stuck in the same pointless rut. Abusing myself, trying to forget, trying to pretend the repulsive person I have become doesn�t exist.
It�s so difficult to look forward to anything. I struggle with uni work so much and feel like giving it up far too often.
I�d do anything to go back.