Wednesday, Jan. 01, 2003/1:47 pm

new year

I went to the party...

What an awful new years eve :(

I was the only person who got really drunk, i was downing alcohol in gulps, i even found a bottle of my friends mums red wine on the kitchen table, took several long swigs of it until i was caught. Felt so pathetic and stupid, the depressed bitch wondering around mumbling things. I hated being around so many people, putting on my act, alcohol let me bring down the facade a little. I looked around at the happy smiling people and knew that they will never be able to understand me.

I found a glass in the dishwasher, left the house silently and ran down the road barefoot. I then smashed it onto the ground and made beautiful pieces of sharp pointed glass. It shimmered under the light from the lamposts. I cradled some of the pieces in my hands and sat down on the pavement. I knew it was wrong, i knew i should try to resist but i couldn't, i hadn't been cutting as much lately but last night i needed it so badley. I pressed the edges into my arms and saw the deep blood, that looked all most black in the dark, run down my numb skin, run and run. I did it over and over, not even really feeling the pain. it dripped down my hand, onto my jeans and the pathway, filling the ridges of the concrete. Then i sat and just stared, stared at the stained glass and my destroyed self, i stayed outside for a little longer. it was so cold, i was shivering, my skin pale with deep patterns. When i went back to the house i went straight to the bathroom to try and clean up the best i could, i heard people outside the door trying to find me, but i stayed quiet trying to stem the mess i had made. I was in there quite a while, a red mark is now left on my friends bathroom door. My sleeves of my top were completly soaking, but my jumper wasn't so bad fortunatley. I repated the same thing later on, left the house again, found the broken glass and started on my right arm, it wasn't as bad the 2nd time though. Just a few more crimson tears

No one but Cassie even noticed what had happened, what i had been doing, she only knew because i was talking aload of crap about it. She asked about the marks on my jeans and i said it was diet coke i had spilt on me, then she said; red diet coke? and i changed my mind and said it was actually starwberryade. We went back outside later, she wanted to smoke and couldn't inside, i just wanted to get away from everyone again. All night i just wanted to escape. i remember some of the things we were talking about but it's fazy. She asked me if i was okay and i said fine, i kept saying fine until she said she knew i wasn't. I asked her why she thought that and she said "because you don't eat and you do that to your arms." I told her i did eat, i eat too much, and she said that i didn't look like i did. i started to complain about my weight and how it had gone up recently, i told her how much it was, and all she said in disbelief was "Claire, listen to yourself" Sitting her then made me feel so sad, i knew she was trying but she's only ever like that on rare occasions, i still felt so alone, so far away from her, i think she knows she will never be able to reach me, for the rest of the night she pretty much ignored me completly. No one realises how much i need them, how much i need someone, how lonely i am. I suppose they will ever know unless i tell them, but isn't it obvious? I shouldn't have to ask them for their support.

It was a relief to come home today. it was raining so hard on the way back. The blood from my clothes seeped through to my new coat, leaving it with a red mark on the sleeve. More blood stains, more scars, more tears, more apoligising, i was saying sorry to everyone constantly last night, they kept asking me what i was sorry for and i had no answer. I'm just so ashamed of everything i am. I'm scared for another year of this, the same fights in my head, the same mood swings, broken promises and suicidal dreams. I just don't know how to change, i wouldn't have a clue where to start, i don't think i can, i don't think i ever will. I'm not looking forward to the future.