Saturday, Jan. 04, 2003/12:53 am

being told what i already know

Trembling,

angry,

I can feel the tension rising up in me as i type.

Not knowing how much more of myself i can take.

My mum was shouting at me just now, really badly.

Calling me,

horrible,

selfish,

awful,

saying she's ashamed like usual.

I didn't say a word, scared to speak incase i started to cry. It's all true.

Triggered by one small thing she just starts at it, laying into me like some emotional punchbag. I've ruined her life, i've ruined everything. No one ever wants me for what i am, it's easier to concentrate on what i'm not.

Nothing i do is ever enough so i don't even bother to try anymore.

I'm just a problem.

I would hate to live with me too, having to look at me everyday, wandering around, disgusting, fat, ugly.

It's my fault.

I've always been wrong and i always will be, everything i do, everything i say, always wrong.

I wish i could start all over again.