Sunday, Jan. 05, 2003/1:48 pm

idiot

This weekend has been bad. B/ping loads, feel constantly dizzy and faint. I woke up this morning and yesterday morning having really bad hypos, my blood sugars falling dangerously low. Thankfully i managed to persuade my mum not to call an ambulance each time. Two times in a row, definatly not good, my mum keeps saying "what have you been doing to yourself" My body seems to be giving up. I can't realy remember too much of what happened, it's scary though, it's asthough your body is weighed to the bed and you can't move or even lift a hand. To get me back to normal i have to be given some sugary drink through a straw. I've been waking people up in the morning to the sound of screaming or me banging my head on the wall, all of which i have no memory of, then they come into my room and i'm basically falling on the floor. Yesterday was the worst, my brother wasn't here so it was just me and my mum, when my brothers not here she has the perfect oportunity to say what she wants to me. She saw my cuts, it was horrible, i knew my sleeves were up but i couldn't move to pull them down again. She just started shouting at me, whilst i'm drifting in and out of hearing her, saying i'm a pshyco and she should just ring the ambulance and get them to take me away and "deal with me" She also told me "I'm going to kill myself because of you" See what i've done to her? At that moment i just wanted her to leave me, until my vision turned black and i drifted away.

I can't believe it's once again Sunday and school is tommorrow, i still havn't done anything. What am i supposed to tell the teachers? "oh yeah sorry i've been too busy eating and throwing up all through the holidays to think of work." I don't know what happened, i told myself i was going to start working the day after boxing day, the holidays have moved so quickly, and i'm back to whree i started. A huge pile of coursework which i don't think 'll ever be able to catch up on now, i don't have the time, nor the energy.

Everything just contiunes to fall apart.

Piece by piece.

I watch it happening, unmoved.

Killing myself slowly, inside and out.

This is the slow form of suicide.