Wednesday, Jan. 08, 2003/7:31 pm

distant

I'm being distant lately, i never feel as if i am actually here, i'm always a million miles away from reality. I'm not updating as much because everytime i come to write i just don't know what to say. Things just seem so repetitive, the usual thoughts again and again.

It snowed today, it's still white outside now, but it's melting. I slept until one this afternoon, didn't go to school. The 3rd day and i'm knocked out, i just hate it there and can't handle it at all anymore. Coming back after the holidays to people asking if i had a good new year and Christmas, having to lie and say it was great whilst the truth burns me from the inside. Images of xmas binging, and blood stains on new years eve flash inside my head. No one has any idea. I've had some of my mock exam results back, they're not too bad but definatly could have been better. C's in all subjects so far apart from English where i got an A and an A* for English Literature. I've still got science yet to come though which is the worst, it was a foundation paper and i found it really hard. English is the only subject i find easy, and that i can actually enjoy, still i was really suprised by those results.

I'm bruising really easily, even if i just knock my knee against something lightly i get a distinct black and purple mark.

I'm still losing my hair, it's falling out badly, my Mum has noticed and keeps making jokes about how i'll turn into a bald skeleton.

I don't usually bother trying to count how many times i purge everyday, i'm to scared. Yesterday i did though, and it came to over 10, thats just a typical day.

How many more scars?

How many more tears?

How many more lies?...

Until i just can't take it anymore.