Thursday, Jan. 09, 2003/11:25 pm

my own victim

Had another hypo again this morning, bad one, fell unconsious, my mum had to give me the glucogen injection in my leg. I woke up laying on my bedroom floor from where i'd fallen out of bed, felt so stupid and selfish for putting people through all this. I didn't go to school again, and missed an important GCSE business exam, the school had to ring this morning to find out if i was going to take it. I couldn't go, i just couldn't move, too ashamed to show my face, drenched in fear and insecurity. I must reak of apathy.

I had to go to the doctors this afternoon to get a medical note saying about my sugar levels and explaining why i missed the test, without it you get charged for not being there for it. It was horrible at the doctors, i feel so exposed, no one can force me to get better, no one can help me but myself, and i know i'm not ready for that. Fortunately it was a different woman to the one who came to the house before but my mum had to explain to her about why i'd been having so many hypos of course. She announced "Claire has an eating disorder" I looked down and started picking at the skin around my fingernails, angry and upset. The doctor didn't say too much, just things about organ failure and other consequences of uncontrolled diabetes. These things fleet past me as if they were never told, they have no affect anymore, i've been toid so many times what i'm doing is wrong, but people still insist on telling me over and over. They don't understand it just means nothing to me. My mum said that as far as she knows i'm not throwing up anymore which makes her think i'm using more laxatives. "she dosn't eat, but when she does she eats and eats and eats..," She really hasn't a clue, i don't know how many times i have purged at home today, whilst she's here, it's so easy, it takes such little time and she's none of the wiser. I'm glad i've tricked her, i admit it.

I was trying to remember the last time i had a period today and i just couldn't think of it. It's been so long, another problem from the way i'm eating. It came back on and off when i was at what is considered at a 'normal weight' but has completly stopped again now. I have all the signs infront of me, telling me this isn't doing me any good, i'm getting so unhealthy, but i keep going because that's what i want, i want myself to suffer.

I really hate what i've done to everyone, how i've upset them. My brother can be really unhappy at times, he looks at me as if he's trying to figure out whats going on in my head, i know it's my fault he feels like that. The problems were there before i started all this, i had low-confidence, and used to write in my paper diary all the time about hating myself. I brought them to the surface with scars, starvation then later on purging, trying to rid myself of the inpurity. I just couldn't cope anymore, keeping them buried inside, but by trying to deal with it i've made everything so much worse. I've dragged everyone else into it, i wish no one ever knew anything, wish i could just do all this without it affecting anyone, i should have been more careful from the beggining. I never wanted anyone else to feel bad, never, only me. I'm my own victim, i always will be.