Saturday, Jan. 11, 2003/10:54 pm

too much

Waiting.

Just waiting for someone or something to shake me up, wake me out of this trance, i can't find my way through this. Prospects are clouded over infront of my eyes, i need to be pushed forward. Life has become so dark, and i can't remember there every being any light. Today i told myself i'd do some art, i desperatly need to get it done. My teacher sat me down on Friday and asked me what was wrong, told me to bring all my coursework and the mock exam in for Monday, and i have hardly done any. I couldn't find the disk i needed for just one of the pieces of work, so that was my excuse. The excuse i told myself, which meant i wouldn't have to do any work. Any way out and i'll take it, any pathetic reason. I'm such a screw up, and even if they bothered i don't think anyone would get through to me.

All i can think of is food, what will i eat? when? where will i purge? how long do i have to keep the food in? shall i try to keep something small down to give me some energy?!!! This obsession has consumed any logic i ever contained. I have no one to tak to, no one knows anything, the only vent i have are from the words i write apon this page. I feel so useless, so feeble, because i can't do anything about this. It's although it's forcing me down, suffocating me, and i can't push it away, because it's so much stronger than i am. So i just don't bother trying, as it continues to corrupt me, phsically and mentally. I feel like i'm bleeding inside.

I can't face up to it, even though it's right infront of me, staring at me. I look away and think that theres no use in trying to get better because it will never work. I just don't believe that i would ever be able to do it, let myself recover. So i tell myself it isn't really happening because it's easier that way. Ignoring any alternatives as i face another day of this.

I'm breaking, breaking down, pieces are scattered across the ground and they will never be put back together. I don't have enough energy to lift my head and try. I'm so hopeless. Sometimes i just want any easy way out, but there isn't even that. Theres too much to think about, too many things have fallen apart, too much pressure, numbness, depression, lonlieness beating me up inside, making me fall weaker and weaker. I'm ready to collapse.