Sunday, Jan. 12, 2003/11:27 pm

Scared of myself

I feel drowsy right now, worked today, i really wasn't up to it, i've been so tired. I manged to get half an hours sleep on the sofa this afternoon which helped slightly. I keep stealing food from work, it's insane, today i got three muffins, two cans of coke, two chocolate caramel slices, a packet of digestive biscuits, 2 lunchbox size packet of shortbreads and two hot chocolate sachiets. Of corse by now it's all gone, wrappers hidden everywhere in my room. I always find them stuffed down the side of the bed or in drawers. I eat whilst i was working too, purged when i got home. I just can't stop. Another day and another step backwards. Heavy eyes and shaking hands, always knowing what i will do with my time. Making myself a slice of toast, saying to myself it's only one, it dosn't matter, as long as i have no more. Then adding more butter and cheese without even realising it, having another slice, then moving onto anything and everything i think will help me fill this space. Knowing in the back of my mind that it dosn't matter, because i will get rid of it soon. After binging i feel so gulity and sad, so full, aware of what i will do next, feeling as if theres no way out.

Monday tommorrow, this weekend skipped past so quickly i can't even remember being part of it. Like i was never here. Countless binges and purges roll into nothing but emptyness, always ending up in the same mess. Alone and frightened in the dark. I was on the phone to cassie earlier and i just wanted to say to her "I feel like i have no one anymore" but i just couldn't do it. I wanted to tell her because i'm wishing she'd say something like "it's okay, you have me, always" The sort of thing i would say to her. I know that would never happen though. I wouldn't get a reaction, she wouldn't have much to say, she never does.

I wonder how much furthur i can fall, when i'll reach rock bottom and realise that i'm going to have to do something about this. I'm scared that will never happen, that i'll never have enough self value to get help for myself or to tell someone how i feel, i'm scared this will go on forever, until it really does kill me. I'm scared of what i will do next. I'm scared of myself.