Tuesday, Jan. 14, 2003/10:28 pm

work

Amazingly, I actually got some of my Art work done today. There are chalk, charcoal and pastel smudges all over my clothes :) I wasn't at school yet again, because i was avoiding my teacher as the Art mock exam was supposed to be in before Christmas, plus the preperation for it. Of corse i had done none of it, so i made myself start it today. There was no question about it this time, i had to do it, everyone elses reports have been done except mine, because she hasn't been able to mark anything. I've managed to do quite a bit actually, nothing compared to the rest that i havn't done but still, atleast i have something to show now. I don't know what excuse i'm going to make up about the other two or three whole projects i havn't done though, hopefuly she won't ask about them.

Purging is really painful at the moment. The other night i was eating a roast potatoe really quickly and started choking on it, i eventually managed to swallow it but it was hot and burnt the back of my throat. I keep tasting blood in my mouth, and it feels as if i still have something stuck there, it must be swollen. I've gained more weight, been leaving the food in for longer than i should. I'm paranoid that everyone knows what i'm doing, especially when i go in the bathroom straight after dinner. If i eat tommorrow i won't keep anything down though, i can't let the pounds pile back on. I havn't been over 105 in ages and i don't plan to.

Doing all that work has really left me drained. It's pathetic, a few drawings and i'm absolutely exhausted. I have more to do before i can go to bed too. I feel like a ragdoll, all floppy, ready to fall over at any moment, asthough weights are pulling me down. Sometimes after i've purged, after saying i was having a bath, i just lay on the bathroom floor and shut my eyes. My skin against the cold floor, as i try to gain enough energy to get up and keep going. Bulimia takes so much from me.

My eyes are all glazed over but i have to do now and try to finish the last picture i was doing. I don't want to take too long, i don't care if it turns out a load of crap i just need to rest, before i fall asleep on the desk.