Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2003/9:07 pm

Love and hate

I'm hollow, if i was to crack open i'd probabley be completly empty inside. My body is a cover to a tortured soul, decorated with scars reminding me of who i am and who i will always be. I want to crawl up, set a barrier around myself that nobody can pass through, even if i wanted to let someone in i don't think i could. Crying inside, i won't ever let them see my tears, they'll never know how hurt i am. I was seriously thinking about ending it all tonight, walking to my Science lesson i decided i wouldn't be back here tommorrow. I think i'm going to be alright, i guess it was just another moment of helplessness, feeling so fed up and alone. My hand is still gripping the edge, rock stabs into my skin, tearing it and waking blood, i wish i could just let myself drop down, scream until my head hits the ground but i don't, Suicide would be the easy way out. i deserve the pain. That dosn't stop me thinking about it though, sometimes i just want a way out.

School was horrible, the whole atmosphere cuts into me deep, it's so hard to keep pretending. I hate it how people feel sorry for me, i know they do, because they know i'm not right and that i have nobody to turn to anymore, i've been deserted by the people i really need.

Theres something i should explain - Frances and Cassie are more than just friends, i won't go into the details but basically they are in love with each other, having a relationship. Frances still denies it, says she's completly straight but i see the way they look at each other. they've both told me things about it, its been going on for quite a while. They both used to be my closest friends, i guess they still are, Cassie is the person i'd prefer to talk to out of anyone but she never has time for me anymore. They are more than in love, they are obsessed with each other. They watch each other constantly, they do everything together and make it completley known to me that they don't need anyone else. I want them to be happy but it's always so obvious that whenever i'm around them, i'm just in the way. Like today at lunch, everyone had wandered off into groups, and i was left on my own, so lost. I knew Cassie and Frances were in the library, so i went up to see them. I found them, and asked them what they were doing, Frances said "nothing" and i asked if i could sit with them to which i got no reply. It was so awkward, i was just an irritation they couldn't wait to get rid of. Cassie started writing a note to Frances under the table, they didn't talk to me, standing there i just wanted to cry, i turned my back and left them. Then stood outside my tutor room alone for the last ten minutes, until the bell went and i was saved.

I know that it's not really there fault, they can't control their feelings but they can be so selfish sometimes. It's constant, they are so caught up in it. The only concerns they have are for themselves and each other. I want them to be happy, of corse i do but they really aren't good friends at all to me anymore. In a way i'm jealous of what they have, not of the situation but to know that there is someone there, always, to turn to, that will love you no matter what you do, must feel so special. I'm glad that they have each other. Cassie keeps apoligising for not being here for me like she should, but she never changes anything, On new years eve after Cassie had come outside with me when i was upset, we went back inside to find Frances waiting for us in the kitchen. She was moody and gave me such an evil look, as if i had stolen Cassie away, i spent the rest of the evening apoligising for being alive.

I'm sorry for talking,

I'm sorry for everything i do,

I'm sorry for ever breathing around you.

Fat

Ugly

Worthless.