Thursday, Jan. 16, 2003/2:14 pm

get up off of it

Everyone expects me not to turn up for school, i skive more days than i attend. I feel so stupid ringing up my friend most mornings saying i can't walk with her because i'm not coming, it must really annoy her. Next week i have to go everyday, even if it kills me i've got to, this is just pathetic. This line from the Alanis Morissette song 'wake up' keeps running over in my head "get up, get up, get up off of it, and get out, get out of here, enough already..."

Staying home to eat and lay around the house, doing nothing productive. I'm scared of going out, school is the worst, people everywhere, crowding into the hall, sometimes i just want to scream the noise away. Silence is so much calmer. I have a bad headache, thinking about it i've had one for over a week, it just subsides a bit when i take paracetemols, until i throw them back up from purging of course. It's pounding behind my eyes and through the middle of my forehead.

I keep losing it and going into crazy paranoia. I can be talking to someone then i suddenly go off on one saying "You don't really like me, you hate me, your pretending..." etc. It happened badly when i was drunk the last time. I just lose all other thoughts and concentrate on what my friends must be hiding from me, what they really think. My fears just spin out of control, i'm forever paranoid anyway but these moments are quite unnerving. People that have experienced me like that, must think i'm a right freak. I really hate the things i do.

Also, i'm always saying to my mum and brother "what have i done wrong now?" Even if they just glance over at me. I'm always terrifed that i'm not doing things right, that i'm lowering their expectations of me furthur. I feel like i'm doing something wrong just being here. If my Mum is complaining about something, anything, for example she's forgotten to send a letter she needed to, something completly unrelated to me, i still come out with the words "it's not my fault." i don't know how many times i repeat that sentence everyday. It's because deep inside i feel i'm to blame for every single problem. It all comes down to me and my irritating self.

When people hurt me, or treat me badly, i never stop it. I never fight against it, i take everything thats thrown at me. I can't bring myself to disagree, when i believe it all myself. When i'm put down by someone, i think to myself 'good on them.' I can argue over compliments but not insults, they just instate what i already know. It hurts when people repeat my worst nightmares, or ignore me but i guess i thrive on it underneath, it gives me more to beat myself up over. Yesterday in Art i was talking to a group of 'friends' when i suddenly realised nobody was even hearing me, so i just stopped mid sentence and slumped back in my chair, thinking about how stupid i was to even open my mouth in the first place. I don't let people near me anymore, no matter how much i want or need to, because i don't want them to have to be with me. If they knew what i was hiding they would probabley just run. So I try to stay in the shadows.