Friday, Jan. 17, 2003/3:15 pm

the same everyday

I cut yesterday night for the first time since New Years Eve. 16 days and i gave in. 14 red lines sting my left arm, it bleed alot. I ended up desperatly looking through the bathroom, trying to find the pack of plasters. I had been trying to avoid it, and i was doing so well but it all came back to me whilst i was just lying in my room with nothing to distract me. Unable to stand being alone with myself much longer, feelings rising and rising inside me until i felt that i was going to crack. Knowing that i could break the tension with my shiny silver friend, the razor. I didn't have enough willpower to resist, i needed to feel pain and see the familiar sight of red tears cascading down my arm.

I slept until midday today, after experiencing some strange dreams during the night. In one of them i rememeber my Brother and his girlfriend were going out for a while and she said "Please don't touch the food Claire" This world now even haunts me in my sleep. I've purged a couple of times already, but only after one binge. I'm craving a huge bowl of cereal right now for some reason but all we have is bran flakes eugh. :(

I'm spaced out, when i'm walking it feels as if i'm treading on air, i can't feel my skin, it's all tingly. This is totally normal of course.

Another weekend approaching, endless days of the same food, the same toilets, putting off more work and avoiding everyone. Each day has become blank, repeating the same thing over and over. Forever spinning around within the same circle.

I wish i had the courage to break through this, but i never will. It's safer this way, unhappiness must be my destiny.