Sunday, Jan. 19, 2003/12:07 am

Looking back

I look over my life, of days past, and present and i wonder what happened? when did everything start to break apart? When did i stop being able to cope with things like every normal person? Maybe it was the first time i ever made myself sick after eating too much, washed away the vomit and told myself it wouldn't hapen again. Or when i swiped a razor over my arm in the bath, not realizing what i was really doing. The first time i turned to starvation, living on soup and a little amount of bread and reducing my insulin doses to nothing. Running and cycling till all i could do was sleep, but inside telling myself i couldn't be ill, because i wasn't thin enough or worth enough to be ill. It could be when my friends turned on me, called me names and made me their own public joke, they made me even more scared to be myself, i told myself that i must be worthless because they wouldn't have treated me like that for no reason. Maybe it was much furthur back, when i looked in the mirror and found myself thinking how discusting the image staring back at me was, the diets i used to go on with Imogen, she's always been overweight but through my eyes i was the one who was all wrong. Step back a few more years, to the memories of my father calling me fat or stepping on the scales and not being happy with the number it displayed.

I can't see where it all went downhill, maybe i was enclined this way from the start. I was randomly flicking through my old paper diary's earlier. Heres some extracts from my first proper diary, the year 2000. I was 13. It's weird reading it, like looking at myself before, but with the same sort of feelings, they just evolved into more, grew and grew until i couldn't take it anymore.

"Monday 14th Feburary, 8pm...I'm just a fat diabetic bitch...I know my friends say i'm not fat and they think i just want attention. But i don't. I am fat and no one will persuade me otherwise..."

"Monday 6th March, late...Anyway, my diet is going alright. I'm not 100% dedicated but i'm doing ok. I'm 6 stone 12. Ahh!!!! Too fat!!! I bet i'll never survive this diet, though i'll really try..."

"Wednesday 5th April.........P.S: I FEEL REALLY UGLY. I HATE MYSELF."

"Sunday 7th May, about 5pm...There has just been thunder. it was really hot about an hour ago, now it looks like it's going to tip it down. Oh yeah, i'm on another diet, since Tuesday. It's going well. I'm being sensible. I've lost half a stone already. Anyway the sky is grey. I've got to go. I enclose a crap song i wrote when i was feeling sorry for myself......I feel the cold, i feel the rain, it soaks my skin, i feel pain, i hide behind this happy smile, you don't know this life of mine. CHORUS - Behind closed doors, locking out the outisde world. I cry, i weep, i know, i know. That i'm hiding, this scar it's deep it will never fade. It won't get better though it could get worse. Shadowing my life. I can't breakthrough, through this tall, tall wall of mine. It'll never go away so i ask why me why me?.........."

"Saturday 13th May, about 1pm...Dear diary. I've been dieting for the last two weeks. It's been awful, i kept going low and having to lower my insulin. I've only lost 2 pounds, I'm 6 stone 13. I guess it's alright (Imo's lost none) but i need to lose more. I just did a load of jogging on the spot and running up and down the stairs (Mum and Matt are out) to get weight off my hips and thighs..."

"6th July (Thursday) 7.30 pm...Sometimes i feel that the whole world is against me. I used to think i could talk to Imo but i can't really anymore. Mum and me always have fights. I hate my weight. I'm just a sad ugly bitch......The usual tears and anger spells. i can't control myself. Sometimes i feel great (that dosn't last long though) but even then i'm always sad somewhere underneath..."

"19th August 3.00pm....My world is falling apart. I try to drown everything out by ignoring it all. I try not to cry but i long to let it all out. Even if i did cry it wouldn't change anything anyway. Whats the point? The Claire i act out infront of everyone is just a character but inside it's so different. What's wrong with me?....I'm crying now, though not much. It's useless..."

"Thursday, about 10.05 pm, i think it's the 9th of November...I wish my body was perfect. I wish i didn't have fat thighs and a stomach that sticks out. i wish i had smaller hips..."

These words send a shiver down my spine. It's like i know what will happen furthur on in the story, i know where i'm heading. I talk of the same things i feel now, but then there was still some happy thoughts too. That song was awful, i don't even know what i'm talking about. I don't understand what i had to be hurt about, i guess i was just a bit depressed. It took me until August/September 2001, a whole year after i wrote some of that, to find ways to deal with it. Ways i wish never entered my mind. Though i guess the problem isn't what i do, but why i do it. Take the eating issues and self harm away and you'll still be left with a lonely, confused girl who dosn't want to live her life anymore, i just wouldn't have any means of helping myself through it. The things that damage you can sometimes be the things that help you along. Something can look so welcoming at the start. It seems asthough it will make things better but it just ends up crushing you until your short of breath. Yet, without hurting myself i don't know how i would be able to carry on. I guess it's me who i want to erase, flush away. Instead i have to settle for punishment, and emptying my insides away until i'm empty.

It's far too late to undo any of the past and i feel like my future is mapped out for me. Everythings spun out of my power. Binging has become so bad lately, and purging. Inside i know that all the food in the world won't save me from myself but my actions speak differently. I don't have any restraint on any of this anymore. I feel angry, i eat, i feel sad, i eat, i feel betrayed, i eat. Everything comes down to what can i shove in my mouth next, to sedate me and make me calmer. If i'm worked up, stressed, i binge so quickly, gulping the tastless objects down trying to forget why i am feeling that way. Whilst i write all this, i still have no answers. I'll probably read through this and wonder what the hell i'm rambling on about. You may be able to tell i'm writing this in the middle of the night, dazed and tired. Theres no conclusion to any of it, no end, i don't know if there will ever be. One day i guess i'll have to get used to the fact that i can't disappear, that i'm either going to to eventually kill myself, or learn how to live with myself like other people do.

For now i'll just cry, and eat and purge, and bleed and cry. Then carry on like everything's fine.