Sunday, Jan. 19, 2003/9:11 pm

an aim

I didn't sleep very much at all last night. My head wouldn't let me rest. After writing that long diary entry, i was kept up thinking for hours. So much food has rested in my stomach today, just for a moment, until it's forced back up again.

I need to stop eating.

I need to fast.

I need to lose more weight.

I need some control back.

I can't do this anymore, i feel like bursting into tears everytime eating enters my mind. I know i'll give in, let the craving win, i know where it will end up afterwards. I have to stop binging so much, start undereating again. Even if it's gradual, i atleast have to cut down. I can't stand to look at myself at all, i want to board all the mirrors up and mark them with a sealed X.

I long to feel that high of being empty for three days.

Knowing i can resist.

The severe hunger pains.

I want it so much it hurts.

My aim is to get down to 90 pounds within the next three weeks, i guess thats alot of time, i'm just uncertain about how long it will take me to change routines again. I've got concentrate on not eating. Instead of being obsessed with what and where and when i will eat and purge next.

School tommorrow, dreading it, but i promised myself i would try to go all this week. I'm so cold, our boiler has fucked up again. No heating or hot water, i've been wearing numerous layers of clothing all day and hiding under my duvet for most of the time.

I really hope i'm able to sleep tonight, i need to escape, just for a while. I hope i dream of somewhere better.