Tuesday, Jan. 21, 2003/12:35 am

histerical

I'm histerical right now.

I don't even know if i can write.

I'm shaking, i feel ready to spill tears but i can't. Everything is mounting up inside.

I'm in shock, i can't believe this has happened. I don't know what to do, i can't look at him anymore, i just want out.

Calm.Down.Calm.Down.Calm.Down.

I can't even stay still, i'm a mass of nerves, okay i need to explain whats just happened, if i can without breaking completely apart. I'm so dizzy and lightheaded, this has knocked me sideways.

My brother was trying out his CV on the computer. he asked me to help him change the page view because he couldn't find the right button. I went to open his documents to renew the file he wanted and there right in front of me in his folder is a piece of writing i stored ages ago in my area named "shards of broken glass." When i saw it i was just thinking 'no, this can't be what i think it is, no, no, please, let it be anything else' it wasn't. After he'd logged off i went back into his userarea and looked at it, reading my words apon the screen, i felt so incriminated. It was a diary entry i had written out in word before pasteing it to my diary, this one; 'painful'

I've tried to think of other explanations, but i can't come up with any. The only thing i can think of is that he copied it from my area. When our computer came back after being fixed i didn't put a password on it, he must have got in then. I'm typing so fast, i keep making errors and having to go back to change it. I'm ready to explode, this is so hard to take. My thoughts, my problems, my secret world being exposed to someone else. That diary entry was the worst, it had everything in it, i don't know what to say to him, i can't speak a word. His g/friend is here anyway so i couldn't talk to him alone.

I'm in such a frantic mood, i want food, i want lots, i want it now, i hate this. I can't because everyone is going to bed and would here me purging,

Everything seems to be level until something like this happens, making everything hit the ceiling. I'm so angry and upset and, and...i don't even know.

I need something to cut with, i can't bury this beneath i have to let it out. I need to see streaming blood.

I wish this wasn't happening. I just want to fly away.