Tuesday, Jan. 21, 2003/11:28 pm

i gave up so long ago

I havn't said anything to my brother about what i saw. I don't want to talk to him. I'm trying to stay as far away from him as possible. I'm so paranoid that he knows what i'm thinking and what i'm doing all the time, it's horrible. My secrets are my secrets, no one elses to know, i hold them close to me like precious objects and at the moment it feels like a part of me has been stolen.

I was such a mess last night, my mum kept asking me why i was so wound up but i was just told her to leave me alone. I'll never trust anyone, let alone anyone in this family. I went crazy on my arms, slashing the blade back and forth in all directions, not caring for the pain or blood, wanting more and more relief. They really sting now, it's the worst cutting i've done in ages. Though i really don't care.

Eating is hectic, still trying to stop binging so much. Yesterday was better than today, probabley because of the stress of last night. I can never know what i'm going to do next, whether i'll want to eat and eat or just feel sick at the sight of food. My moods can change so dramatically. I still really want to lose weight though. I need something to hold onto, something that actually matters.

The thought of missing school tommorrow is passing through my mind, i've just given up. I said i would try my hardest to go this week, but doubt it always there, pulling me back down. I knew i probabley wouldn't be able to do it, why kid myself? I don't want to be there with people i don't know, making feeble conversation when i could be home with my best friend bulimia, doing the things i'm best at.

There are too many thoughts, i can't decide which to follow, what to do, so i usually end up taking the easy way out. I know no differently.