Thursday, Jan. 23, 2003/6:38 pm

marked

I didn't go to school yesterday, or today, and it dosn't look like i'm going to make the effort for tommorrow. What's the point in pretending i could do it when i obviously can't? i was just trying to fool myself. I'm just too low to try at all anymore. I want to be anywhere else apart from here. I find myself doing the same things again and again and getting nowhere but deeper down into this dark hole. Still i'm preocopied with useless thoughts of food, and suicide, and any other ways of self punishment. I have no faith in myself whatsoever anymore, i don't think anyone else does either. Things will never change.

I went shopping this afternoon, i had to get a birthday present for somebody, but me being me couldn't keep away from food. I spent so much money again. It started in thorntons, with a strawberry chocolate bar and a white chocolate lollipop in the shape of a bear. Even then i knew where i was heading, i had made that desision, that now was the time to binge. Once that thought has entered my head theres no turning back. Next i headed to Mcdonalds, ordered a large McChicken sandwich meal with sprite and a smartie McFlurry. Sat in the corner of the food court, keeping my head down, trying not to make eye contact with anyone, as i finished it all in record time. I still wasn't full, i felt revolting but i needed more, there was a voice inside screaming at me to stop but i wasn't following it, my body had a different idea. I found myself at another counter, asking for a pasta, half of macaroni cheese and half ham and mushroom something-or-other, i can't remember what it was called. After that i returned back to McDonalds, asked for a sundae but was told they had stopped selling them. I took that as a sign and guiltily walked to the toilets, fully aware of my bloated, extended stomach. Then in the end cubicle, always the end one, i threw it all straight back up, as quietly as i could.

It didn't stop there. On the station platform i stocked up on more chocolate and crisps, ate them on the train home. Trying to be quiet and keeping the packets in my bag, so i could just reach in and out without averting any attention to myself. Hoping that the woman sitting next to me, reading a astrological magazine, wouldn't notice i was scoffing my face with a kingsize bag of maltesers. I got rid of it on the way home, then told my Mum i hadn't had any lunch yet and started on the contents of the fridge. Which brings me to where i am now. For the whole day i've been wondering around completly out of it, i even left the videos i brought in some changing rooms and had to go back for them. I didn't know what i was doing. I felt close to fainting on many occasions, but i didn't, i never do. Sometimes i wish i would, maybe then i would be able to accept that what i'm doing isnt alright.

The other night my mum knew i'd been purging, i was careless and left some bits floating in the loo. After a lot of shouting and ignoring each other she came up to me and asked me what had happened because i had been 'doing so well.' That really made me laugh, it shows how clueless she really is about it now. I'm always doing it at home, she just not aware of it. It's so easy. I'm so grateful i still have this, she can't touch me, she can't do anything because she dosn't realise whats going on, even worse than before. She's been making jokes about catching me, like she usually does. Commenting infront of everyone on how i better not throw dinner up, When i asked her to buy me a cream egg when she went out yesterday she said 'thats just to make it easier for you to stick your fingers down your throat' my brother was there, theres always got to be somebody there for her to show off too, she needs an audience. I felt like blurting out to her 'no, infact i don't need to use my hands anymore mum, i'm so good at it now.' I wonder if she'd be proud.

Sometimes when i've just had a drink, and i'm laying down it starts to come back up in my throat. It's gross, tasting of acid and blood. I know this shouldn't be happening, but it's my fault, my stomach isn't used to having much in it. I used to always have to use my hands to purge, now it's rare. I was thinking the other day how i'll ever be able to keep food down normally with the thought i could just excuse myself to the bathroom and let it all fall away without barely trying. I'll never be able to get that out of my head. Eating and purging go together like chewing and swallowing do. One can't be done without the other or your bound to choke.

I won't ever leave any of this behind, it will always be here. I'm marked for life.