Friday, Jan. 24, 2003/10:41 pm

misunderstood

The house is empty, nobody is online, and even if they were i don't think i'd be able to talk to them anyway. I feel so detatched, detatched from the real world, detatched from my body, I'm floating around just trying to make sence of everything. People have deserted me because i gave up on trying. I think it's better this way. At school i'm a distant figure, i wander along the corridors with sad eyes, quiet and lonesome. I don't have anything to say to them anymore, i have no place with them, they are nothing like me, thats why i can't stand to be there anymore. All they see is the character i envented, desperate to fit in and not be exposed as a fraud. I'm so fake around them, a cardboard cut out. I don't want to see any of them this weekend, they remind me of what i left behind

I'm really sad because the TF has shutdown, the eating disordered support board i belonged to. I'll miss that place so much, i met so many lovely people on there, some of which i have no means of contacting now, and there were so many more people i admired. Nobody judged me there, they welcomed me with open arms and made me feel a part of something for the first time in my life. Now it is gone i'm lost. I know there are lots of others who will understand this.

My chest has been hurting really badly all week. It feels like stabbing right ontop and underneath my ribs :( I've started to lose some more weight, 8 pounds to go till my target, seems easy enough but i never can tell what i'm about to do next. I don't understand any of it.

I wish i wasn't alone right now, but yet i don't want to be seen like this. I look hideous, wearing old clothes, hair scraped back into a messy bun. I just hate being left with my own voice. Why am i still here?

'i'm so lonely i don't even want to be with myself anymore' - Dido