Monday, Feb. 03, 2003/12:13 am

melting plastic

Dad did come, brought his girlfriend though which was good, he wouldn't dare insult me like he usually does with her there. I really like her, she's really loud and fiery, the complete opposite of me, it's hilarious to watch her boss my Dad around, at last someone has managed to put him in his place. She dosn't care what people think of her, she determined to get what she wants, i really admire that. I'm just a wallflower that people walk by without any notice, a voice so quiet, shrinking away in the corner. She's taking me to get my hair cut in half term for my birthday present which i guess i'm looking forward to, Kayleigh (brothers girlfriend) is coming too. Though it will be difficult, i'm scared of letting something slip, by accident, anything that lets my guard down. We'll be having lunch together and i'll have to find a way to purge, i'll probabley just excuse myself to go to the toilets, and hope no one comes with me or suspects anything. "you need to put some weight on girl" was the only comment i had today from her, i'm so glad she left it there.

I eat so much today, flashbacks of endless toilets and sinks and woods play in my mind. I don't even care right now. It's all just become one long blur, i've repeated the same thing so many times it's all blended together. The same food, the voice in the back of my mind driving me onto eat and eat, the loss of control which makes me give in, the familiar trip to the bathroom, dizzy spells, blood and red eyes, it's so normal to me now. I'm not even aware sometimes of what i'm doing.

I'm not going to school tommorrow, i am so tired, i just want to sleep allday.

This weekend has been better, probabley because i forced myself to make an effort and go out. This morning i washed and dried my hair, made it curly and put chunky plaits in it then left it down. I also plucked my eyebrows which i havn't bothered to do for ages, and basically took the time to do my make-up properly and find some decent clothes to wear. I'm so used to having my hair back, just shoved out the way to keep it out of my face and usually just lay around the house in huge jumpers, it has been a refreshing change. I know it won't last though, i can only bury things inside for so long until they rise to the surface. I have been faking it, i re-made myself, covered myself over to try and disguise everything i hate. I know it isn't real, i sculptured a plastic mould and tried to fit into it as best as i could. The black cloud over my head is very much still there but i have been ignoring it, resenting it. When i am alone my thoughts will then creep back up on me.

Remind me of who i really am.

My sadness is my comfort

I need it because i have no one else.