Saturday, Feb. 01, 2003/8:33 pm

masked

I went to the cinema with my friends last night, to see Chicago. I pushed myself, i tried and i have to admit it turned out okay. The film was great, i loved it, Renee Zellweger is so skinny in it, i was in awe. The only annoying thing was my blood sugars dropped low near the end and i couldn't understand anything, for the last twenty minutes i was just staring at the screen wondering what the hell was happening. We went to Burger King afterwards and everyone was ordering burgers whilst i just had a small Sprite to give me some sugar, i have the worst fear of eating infront of my friends. I can't even accept crisps when they are offered to me, everyone knows not to bother asking anymore. I guess i blanked out for a couple of hours, just pushed everything to the back of my mind and tried to fit back into random Claire who laughs and says weird things. I was quite impressed with the way i held through it. When we were in the loos after the film i did feel as if i was going to pass out in the cubicle, but i didn't tell anyone, just sat down, breathed, tried to focus and moved on.

Yesterday when i was purging, i started shaking really violently and became really hot, the food just shot out of me and it tasted disgusting, it was really scary, everything suddenly was going really fast and i couldn't stop it. I was realy naseous, it was like being sick accidently just because your ill, when it makes you feel really awful.

Work again today, my boss kept saying things to me that made me feel really insecure.

"You sure you don't want anything to eat?"

"Not even a biscuit?"

"I'm worried about you, you need to put some weight on"

It was like nooo can't you people see i don't want anything?! I say i'm fine, lie and say i had a big breakfast, i feel ill, anything to get out of eating there. I hate that it's so obvious, they must have guessed i have an eating disorder, it makes me feel so see through. They probabley think i'm anorexic, hah, if only they could see the amount of food i steal from the store cupboard during the day. I got a load of biscuits today, don't ask me why, i don't even think i want them. I always wear a long sleeved t-shirt under my uniform too, which they must think is odd.

I think i may have to see my Dad again tommorrow, he wants to give me my birthday money, i'm going to be 16 on Friday. Well atleast his girlfriend will be with him this time, she sticks up for me against him, because i can't myself. I hope she dosn't notice i've lost more weight because she mentioned it last time i saw her.

I just want to be left alone.

In this mess i have made.

Scars behind sleeves.

Tears under smiles.

Emotion masked behind a painted face.

I don't want anyone to see whats underneath.