Thursday, Jan. 30, 2003/11:16 pm

never-ending

Over the last couple of days i've been overly depressed and suicidal, thats why i havn't updated this diary. Everything seems to just drag me down and i can't do anything to lift myself up again. This dark overtone now completely dominates my life, it never fades, never succumbs to the background, it is always hanging over my head, i don't remember what happiness feels like anymore.

It explains why i have been binging so much lately. When i feel really low, i turn to food to take the edge off. It doesn't make anything better, but it's my answer when things get bad. Thats why my other addiction, restricting food, has been left in the shadows for a while. This time i'm really, really scared things won't change. That i'll be stuck in this binging cicle forever. I have been trying to cut down, but i can do alright one day but then completly mess up the next. I havn't been able to go even 24 hours without eating for weeks. I hate myself for being so weak but i don't feel as if i'm controlling this at all now. I look in the mirror and think i'm discuting anyway so why not? Why not fail myself yet again?, why not prove to myself i'm the stupid failure i always knew i was?, why not polish off the entire contents of the fridge? Always finding myself back in the same spot, purging myself of more than just fat and calories, trying to get rid of the guilt and hate that lays inside me. Afterwards the worlds just a little more blurred.

It snowed during the night. Woke up this morning to white, glistening treetops and gardens, all very pretty. After eventually getting out of my warm bed, i started walking up to school just to find people were coming back down the hill instead. I was told by someone from year 8 that the school was shut. This put me on a brief high, but it never does last. I got home and compulsively started to eat, toast, toast and more toast. In my head i think i knew what i was going to be doing all day, at that moment i didn't want to be on my own, in the kitchen, with food all around me. After my mum left for work i had beans, bacon, then homemade pasta and tuna mayonaise sandwiches, only stopping once in a while to empty it away. I got a phonecall, a friend asking if i wanted to get a film out and go round his house to watch it. I agreed, any chance to get away from the house. I still hadn't stopped there. I ordered takeaway, a pizza, drink and chicken wings deal and cooked some garlic bread that i found in the freezer to go with it, fun. When i had finished i just had time to wash up, throw some clothes on, and do my makeup before heading straight out the door to meet my friend. I hadn't yet purged the takeaway and knew i had to get rid of it soon, before i exploded, i looked pregnant. I ended up stopping at the leisure centre to use there loos, which then made me twenty minutes late.

I wanted to be back at home, crawled up in a ball, hiding from everyone but i had to pull myself through the afternoon. Pretending i was fine, making jokes and hoping that it would be over soon and i could go home. I know it sounds harsh, but it's not that i didn't want to spend time with my friend, i just didn't want him to have to spend time with me. He's so funny, he is realy camp and has a slight obsession with Kylie Minogue, i was so overly out of mood, it hurt inside to keep on smiling. I got a phonecall from my brother, saying that the garlic bread i'd taken from the freezer earlier on was his girlfriends that she had brought round. He said 'she's not very happy with you' They knew i'd been binging. It made me feel so guilty, and really, phsically sick, covered in dirt i just wanted to scrub away, until my skin bled. Whilst i was talking to my brother i really tried to keep the details of the conversation quiet so my friend wouldn't hear, i didn't want him knowing how revolting i really am.

I was terrified of going home. I could just imagine it, the whole family sitting round the table going through what they thought i had devoured through the day, saying how selfish and greedy i am. I started to cry whilst walking back, wind and snow blew across my face as mascara ran in tears. I was also worried there was food still in me, i had purged again at my friends but i had left it all in for ages, when i got home one of the first things i did was let acid rise up in my throat over the sink. My brother and Mum had been arguing again, the scene i had played in my head on the way back wasn't to truth but still things wern't good. My brother and his girlfriend wern't saying much to me, no matter how much i apoligised and said i'd make up for it, she had such a pout on her face. It was so horrible. No one understands i can't stop, not on my own anyway, i've tried, i have really tried to stop binging but it's out of my hands now. They can look at me like i'm a piece of dirt and call me names but it makes no difference, it just makes me more depressed, ready to eat more. Sometimes i just really want to give up, actually most of the time i do.

I have thought of how i would do it, with what and where, I have thought about the words i would write along a lined sheet of paper, one last piece of me before the final goodbye. I have thought about how it would feel, to know that soon it would all be over as the pills settled inside a pure stomach, and blood ran down my skin for the last time. The sensation of cutting into veins along with the glazy consiousness behind my eyes, laying back and just waiting. There have been times when i have been so, so close. One thing that crosses my mind, is the fear of being unsucsessful, if that happened i would surely end up being made to get help which i know i cannot do. I am finding it so hard to keep on going, i wish i could stop thinking about ending it, because oneday i will get fed up of wondering.

I will probabley gain weight tommorrow, i feel so full, full of what exactally i don't know but full. I want to rip the fat away from me. I love when i'm losing weight, the feeling of a hollow stomach and the crease of ribs under my clothes. If i gain weight i just wan't to cover myself up and be buried under more layers. I'm going to go read for a while now then try to sleep. It takes me about 2 hours to get to sleep, it's so frustrating, i try to distract myself from strong thought but it's impossible, i always get led into some argument or question. It probabley won't be but i really hope school is off again tommorrow.

Also, Ahimsa i am so happy for you, you have so much love and care to give, i know you'd make a truly brilliant mum. I am hoping with all i can that your dreams come true. You are so beautiful. <3