Monday, Jan. 27, 2003/10:36 pm

wish i could forget

The days drag through like a knife across my skin, and yet i wonder where life is going. It feels so slow but moving to quickly. Waiting and waiting till i give up, but all the time things rush past me, work, friends, anything i am supposed be doing. My body plagued by pain, pain i cannot descibe, it blackens me so i am unable to walk, speak, move, function, without feeling the heavy weight sitting apon my shoulders. I see what i am doing, i watch as i eat, and throw up, and keel over with exhaustion. My eyes see everything, i wish i could just shut them and forget it all.

My family is falling apart at the moment.

My Mum is stressed because of money and the boiler, which still isn't working properly. She keeps screaming at me for any small things and burying her face in her hands. I heard her crying yesterday.

The way my brother is turning out to be scares me. I really don't like him at the moment, he has no job, he is nearly 19, still living at home and leaning on my Mum to pay for everything he needs. She wants him out, has given him till the end of Feburary to pack his bags. I don't know what will happen, she's soft on him and will probabley let it pass by once again. If he does go though, i will miss him, i am also worried about being left in the house with just my Mum, i don't think were going to get on at all well. She will only have one person to vent her anger on. What i won't miss about my brother is the shouting and agression, the look in his eyes when he's frustrated, before he hits or smashes something up. Today he punched the printer because the ink had run out, the front casing of it is now broken. It reminded me so much of my Dad i just burst into tears.

I want to barracade myself in my room, where they can't get to me, where their remarks can't bruise me. To sit in the darkness and watch rain pour down the windows. A chair against the door, locking everyone out, trapping myself alone. Listening to beautiful music, to fade the torture going on inside my head.