Friday, Feb. 07, 2003/10:11 pm

my birthday

I've felt really lost today, i don't feel as if my bodys my own. I spent the morning in bed not wanting to get up and face the day, it's no suprise i failed to attend school again. I'm so tired, and weak from putting on fake smiles, being handed birthday cake and being expected to eat it slowly like other people then comment on how nice it was. Fully knowing inside that it's just another object that will sit in my stomach until i can't handle it anymore.

I got a few cards, some money and two text messages, to each one i had to return a sweet comment and a thankyou. I got a lovely letter from Imo though, with a card, she's sending my present soon. It was basically saying sorry for a few things, and how she still wants us to be best friends. One letter can't make up for everything but it's a start. She also rang me this afternoon and we had a conversation like we used to. We laughed about Eastenders and reminisced over old memories. We hadn't spoken in a long time before then, i'd give up on calling her because she never made the effort to call me. It was good to hear from her.

No phone call from Frances though, everytime the phone rang i picked it up in anticipation for her voice but it was always one of my brothers friends or my mums boyfriend. It makes me so sad, she's supposed to be my closest friend but she just doesn't want to know anymore. She's got Cassie so i'm just pushed out the way. I know she hasn't even got me a card either.

I want to get away from everyone, and find somewhere safe where i don't have to be terrified to show my true self. I don't think a place like that exists. I need an escape so badly.

Went out for a meal tonight, i actually asked if we could go. My mouth started speaking the words before i knew what i was doing. I think i needed a challenge thats more than making it to the supermarket and back for more food. It wasn't the easiest of things, i kept looking around me in a panic scared people were watching me eat, thankfuly we wern't near to many tables. Atleast i managed to purge okay, i keep getting myself into risky situations where it will be hard to do it without people wondering. I always seem to find away though, always. I would crack up completely if i had to keep a whole meal down, i just can't understand how people do it. When it's sitting inside me, even something small it feels like poisen in my stomach. An uncomfortable surge seems to grow and grow, play tricks on my mind, making me feel like i've eaten much more than i actually have.

I am dreading tommorrow with a passion. I'm going shopping with a friend, we organised it weeks ago and i can't let him down now. I was looking forward to it, in a way i still am, he's the very camp friend of mine, and we are both admitted clothes snobs. The thing thats ruining the excitement is the busy streets and hoards of people. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror, let alone have others see me. It's will be a struggle, and the insecurity in me has built up throughout this week to atleast five times what it was. I will try my best to pull through though, i just can't stop thinking about it. I know i will find it hard to sleep tonight.

My mind won't give me a minutes break, not even on my birthday.