Thursday, Feb. 06, 2003/11:22 pm

dull stars

No school, i havn't been all week. I never did get the history done, it just doesn't mean a thing to me anymore.

I never answer my phone, i leave it on silent. Missed calls flash up on the screen but i never ring back.

Today I pretended i was ill and got my mum to cancel my orthodontist apointment, i couldn't face going.

I don't want to be seen like this, the anxiety is worse, i fear leaving the house.

/binge/purge/binge/purge/

I'm going out of my mind.

I keep breaking down in moments of weakness. Finding myself sobbing alone on the floor for no particular reason. Earlier i was talking to my Mum downstairs and afterwards i just went into my room, shut the door and fell to my feet. My face crumpling and eyes screwed up close, ready to cry and cry and cry but i couldn't, i just wanted to give up. Sometimes it feels like another part of me is looking down apon that feeble person and laughing at her, inside i just feel so disgusted.

I have been writing alot more lately, i hadn't been able to do that for ages, my emotions have been frozen in a block of ice. I managed two poems Tuesday night though, which made me feel a bit better, like i was getting things out of me somehow.

I just want to get away from myself.

My family don't want me here. My mum said she couldn't wait for two years time when i can leave home, she wants me out.

I'm not suprised, i can't stand my face, my voice, my words, i don't expect anyone else to want me around. Everything i say out loud i end up disecting in my head, critizing for how stupid is it.

I'm never going to be able to accept myself.

Things are getting worse, i can see whats happening. Last weekend was stable but now i've tripped. Fallen over the edge, unsure of where i'm going, afraid of what i might do next.

I look up at the stars, pausing for a moment to see them shine, but their sparkle has gone, lost in the cold, black night. All my hope in life, and most of all myself has disappeared along with them.