Monday, Feb. 10, 2003/9:57 pm

worrying

I went to school.

I hated it.

Every footfall across the floor, echoing with the noise of other students. Each desperate moment when i realise i have nowhere to go. Sitting through break and lunch, resting my head against a wall or table, or listening to music, just wanting everything to disappear. I watch everyone move across the hall floor whilst above in the canteen and feel anxiety pour through my skin, keeping my head down, trying to miss anyones gaze.

I wish i was being melodramatic but i'm not.

I was drawing razor blades on a scruffy piece of paper in my history lesson. Teachers kept asking me if i'm doing okay, i just nodded each time and said fine.

Frances and Cassie go to the library together every lunch time now, to be undisturbed and on their own. They've left me completly alone and they just don't care, i can't even ignore them or stop letting them use me because i'm so used to it, and i figure they should be allowed to treat me like this. I'm just a rag doll, abuse me, knock me about, hurt me phsically and mentally, rip me apart, it dosn't matter. Just don't be shocked when i start bleeding.

Carolyn wasn't even here today, so i couldn't go to see her in the art room. She usually spends her free time there drawing beautiful pictures then casting them off as awful. I hope she sees how special she really is oneday. Though she isn't the sort of friend i could talk to comfortably.

Eveyone else looks at me as if i'm a foreign object, they don't know how to act with me anymore. They don't say much to me anymore, and i don't try to speak to them. I'll never let anyone inside my head ever again.

I don't want to be touched, i don't want them near me, I wouldn't want to stain their precious skin, what they see of me isn't the half of what i'm about.

We had our reports today. Mine repeated the same complaints about my "unusually high absence rate" and "extreme" shyness, how i need to "try to particpate more readily during discussions in lessons."

The P.E slip just said "Claire has not participated in Physical Education this academic year. I am therfor unable to comment on her progress."

I am not going tommorrow, i have my diabetic clinic apointment at twelve so thats my excuse for missing all six periods. I am terrified about my apointment, i haven't been for the last three or four times i should have done, my mums gone on her own, i can't escape it this time. They know about my eating, the doctor who came round my house rang my diabetic specialist doctor and told him. They always take your height and weight, blood pressure, ask you to do a urine test and sometimes a blood test. I'm worrying myself insanely that something will show up, especially if i have to have a blood test, also they'll want to do it in my arm and they are covered in scars. They might even want to hospitalize me, i just don't know what i'm in for. I will lie, to whatever they ask me, lie, lie, lie, hope they don't figure me out and that i can stay strong through it. I'll just say everythings fine, i'm perfectly okay. I don't need help.

Let me dissolve into the air, where nothing can reach me, and i can be free.

Free from the mental that binds round my ankles and wrists, and the people that laugh and point around me.

I don't want to be visible, i don't want to be here.