Tuesday, Feb. 11, 2003/1:12 pm

Normal

I've been worked up all morning,

eating, purging,

pacing about,

doing situps.

Trying not to think about the apointment.

Then we get in the car for my Mum to take me to the clinic and she says -

"what date is it? The 11th?"

"yeah"

"oh"

She only went and got the days mixed up, the apointment is actually on thursday.

I'm angry, i just want to punch something. Or smash something, or grind glass into my own skin. I'm not even certain why i'm angry exactally.

I feel embarrassed for writing about it in here, then not even going.

Thursday.

Two more days to worry.

I'm in hiding, i want to suffocate underneath the covers.

I feel so very fat today, i keep looking at my stomach, wishing it was concave and didn't fill me with disgust.

I might go and do another 100 situps. Or i might start binging, i havnt decided yet.

I don't even think I choose anymore, it's something inside that controls my every move.

I'm so dizzy, it's like i havn't got my glasses on but i have, i keep reaching to make sure their still there.

I am so normal.

Normal.

"...I've been looking for a savior in these dirty streets, looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets..."