Tuesday, Feb. 18, 2003/11:32 pm

sad eyes

The red mark on my hand has spread, it's blotchy and flaky and starting to really worry me. I showed my mum and she flipped out and said it looked like blood poisening, that it can't be just a rash. I'm scared. It appeared Sunday morning after i had cut Saturday night. I know this isn't right, I really should get it checked out at the doctors but i'm very reluctant. I'll just have to wait and hope it improves.

Another day of school. I couldn't stay afterwards, i just needed to get out of there. I eat my lunch in my first lesson today in a frenzy, then tried to purge in the change over to the second period. I couldn't get it all out, kept being disturbed by people using the toilets. For the next 50 minutes after that i was watching each tick of the clock hand as it dragged on. Thinking that each crumb would be absorbed, all the fat, hating the feeling in my stomach, I had only had a roll, half a sandwich and half a packet of hula hoops but it felt like so much more. When break eventually came i rushed straight to the loos and threw up violently, praying noone would hear.

You couldn't compare anyone else to me at school. There has been a few known 'cutters' that strut about with clear arms after they have stopped. No scars, not even the faintest, it seems a few scrapes with mummys scissors and they're suddenly a real sob story. A week or so of feeling down means they're depressed, that word really shouldn't be used so much. Nobody i know has eating issues, unless you include Gwen's health-obsession or the time Frances stopped having lunch at school for a week. It was so obvious all she wanted was more attention from Cassie, and she got it, she just claimed she had 'lost her appetite' and smiled like she knew more than we did.

Just reading through that i feel like a right bitch. I am. Everyone else is much more important than me anyway.

Someone asked me if i was 'eating okay' now. She said "i mean do you get takeaway and stuff?..seriously your really skinny" and another person came in with "whens the last time you had a Mcdonalds?" I replied yes i'm fine, but unfortunatly i don't log down everytime a Mc Chicken sandwich or fries passes my lips. I then hid behind my can of diet coke and avoided her for a while. Everyone automatically asumes i must be anorexic, just because i keep away from food when i'm with them. I was only able to eat lunch in my first lesson because none of my friends are in my group then. If they were i would never be able to. If a friend was to find me binging or laying into 'forbidden fruit' i would just freeze. I wouldn't know what to do, it's like being caught with your hands in the till.

No one understands how hard each hour is. How i find just one day of school so wearing. My words are in bars, i can't let them out to anyone. Theres nobody who could listen, or would listen. I slip past them like a silver ilusion of light. People have a tendency to look right past me, i guess it's the closest there is to being invisible.

Let me tear myself in two.

And dissolve, into what looks likes just another stub of ciggerette ash.

My eyes are so sad.