Monday, Feb. 17, 2003/10:58 pm

stranger

I'm looking at my hands. They have two burns on them from when i have clumsily hit the top of the oven whilst getting food out. One is fading, but the other stands out on my finger. My nails are brittle and have those white lines on them, that suggest malnutrition. I have scabs and sore spots everywhere from where i have persistantly picked at my skin. They're is a red, raised bump on my right hand near my wrist, that suddenly appeared after cutting the other night. It looks like a rash, really hurts and itches. I think i might have scraped across it without noticing, just not enough to make it bleed.

I was just talking to Imo and Frances online in a three way conversation. We were discussing what we are going to do when Imo comes down here in the summer after our exams are finished. For now they have decided on going shopping, going out for a meal, getting drunk and going to an open air swimming pool thats nearby. I don't know what i'm going to do, i just know i can't do that. I always find myself faced with a problem, at a dead end, in any of these situations. I definatly cannot handle being in a swimming costume, exposing my fat and scarred body. I went along with it though, said it would be great fun, kept posting those stupid, smiling, emoticons they have on msn.

They aren't best friends to me anymore, I feel like a stranger.

Don't get me wrong, i'd do anything for them, still love them like i always have, but i've never felt so far away from them. I feel awful saying this but i want to be alone, don't want them to have to be with me, i'm so annoying. They do persist to remind me that. I remember when we used to be so close we could sometimes tell what each other was thinking. I have so many secrets now, i expect they have a few too. Mine are buried far beneath my pretence and i'm frightened of them finding out more. Last time they got worried they tried to trick me into help.

At school today my tutor showed my the register with all my absences and said i have to try really hard to come in for a full week. I'm already planning wednesday off. I will go tommorrow though, it is a friends birthday and i have a present for her. I also have been asked to stay behind after the last bell to do some of my english courswork. The final date to give it in is Friday, i still have books to read and essays to do. I havn't decided if i will stay yet, i know i need to, it depends how i cope during the day.

I feel so pressured.

Deadlines coming at me from everywhere.

I was going to fast today, i wasn't going to binge, but no, by the end of the day i was so stressed only food could soothe. I depend on it, when everything else falls apart it's always here for me.

I'm trying my best to be optimistic, to get the work done. Though tonight all i managed was to copy out the final draft of a short story i wrote a year ago for English.

I'm so pathetic.

A girl who i've never been great friends with, called me lazy today, for always being absent. I felt she was right but i also wanted to tell her she has no idea about me.

I keep thinking that i could just leave this place if i wanted to.

Leave this mess behind, move on.

I keep wondering why i'm still here.

When will i stop waiting?