Thursday, Aug. 29, 2002/11:04 pm

please, just walk away

This is a long story...

Imo and Frances asked me to go into Guildford with them yesterday. They said they'd pay my train fair as i have no money. I went, it would be my last chance to see Imo in probabley quite a long time. We walked round the shops for a couple of hours, then they wanted lunch. Imo said she's buy me a Mc Donalds but i said i didnt want anything. When i said that they both gave each other a disapointing look and then started lecturing me, saying im not eating enough,

"you don't want to add anorexia to the list"

-"You two are so dramatic, i do eat, i just don't want anything right now"

"Cutting up your arms is more dramatic!"

Silence. I stared at them. they knew i hadn't stopped. They'd seen my arm when i was drunk, apparently Imo just screamed when she saw it, I didnt speak for about 10 minutes, they were just eating their lunch and talking normally. I just shredded a napkin in my hands, puling it apart and trying to relieve myself of the tension rising up inside of me. Then i explained my lies with more lies, digging myself furthur in. I told them i had only cut twice in the last three months but that i was still getting better and doing really well. They seemed to believe that, i felt so guilty.

Earlier on Frances had said she needed to go and visit a relative in the nearby hospital quickly. I thought it was a bit strange but being the gulible fool i am i went with them, im so stupid. We got to the hospital and i soon found out that they seemed to have no idea about this relative, even their second name! I first started worrying about what was really going on when they said they needed to talk secretly, what were they hiding? I bet you've guessed already. They came over to me, and imo said "theres no relative, we're really here because of you" For a moment i was just shocked, i just couldn't belive they'd done it, this soon got replaced with fury. They told me that they wanted to come to speak to somebody or just get some information. I pleaded that there was nothing wrong with me anyway but they wouldnt just go home. They'd been directed by reception, who they talked to earlier to the outpatients clinic, but i wasn't sticking around to find out what anyone had to say. I demanded Imo gave me my train and bus tickets and left. I was topped up with anger and embarrassment that i'd fallen into this obvious trap.

They really don't understand anything, Did they expect me to say "oh thanks for that, i'll stay at the hospital for a while if you want" I know i'm being selfish, i know they did it because they care and their concerned but i wish they'd accept that they can't do anything to help me. It made me feel so small and isolated. I'll continue to tell them i'm 'okay' and 'doing good', i'll never tell the truth, i can't, i just really want to be left alone.

I'm putting up more barricades. i don't want to speak to them at all, i just don't know what i could possibly say to them right now. Now i feel so far away from them than ever before. Still continuing to walk away, through a glass tunnel, into my dark haven where knives litter the floor.

I feel like such a bitch, for storming off, being angry at them, but i just couldn't stop it. I don't know what will happen to these friendships if they don't learn to leave me alone. My eating disorder is my life, it's pathetic i know. I'm ashamed to admit i'd cling to bulimia rather than join my friends and get better. I can't help myself when i loathe myself so much. Why would anyone rescue something that they hate? I just want to hurt me, no one else, i tried to protect them, i'll have to try harder.

This pain is my punishment.

Giving me all i deserve.

The bruises, the wounds, blood stained sleeves.

Punch me, kick me, kill me

please

maybe then my body will give in

then just walk away...