Wednesday, Feb. 26, 2003/12:42 am

trick of the light

I feel as if i am floating above my body, and looking down at a pityful state. Critisizing and analizing myself as onlookers lay flowers by my side.

The pieces of my jigsaw don't fit into place. The sides have been bent and torn to uselessness.

I am a token for nothing anymore.

Fading away, away from the ground that feels so pure until i walk apon it. Forever wandering where i do not belong. A sheep making it's way across a zebra crossing.

It's half term this week, i really needed a break. I have so much to do though. I said i'd finish Art and History off whilst school was out, i haven't started yet. Water seeps through my fingers as time runs out. Tommorrow. tommorrow, tommorrow... One day tommorrow will hit me in hard the face as i reach a brickwall, Then i'll realise it's over, and i'm too late.

I'm eating a bit less, binging has calmed down a bit. It probabley won't last. I'm just being a bit half-hearted about anything. I'm not as frantic, i just want to lay back and shut my eyes.

I had really bad stomach pains yesterday which grew and grew until they were almost unbearable last night. Ontop of that i kept involuntarily throwing up stomach acid, just being able to reach the sink basin in time. It tastes vile and contained very small particles of food along with streaks of dark coloured blood. I continued to try and drink some juice and water but nothing would stay inside me. I didn't know what was going on, it was scary, i was panicky and shaking alot. I've gone through the same thing a few times before but this time was worse. I eventually decided it would be best to just rest, went to bed and got to sleep about one in the morning. I'm now feeling alot better, just faint jabs in my chest now and then as per usual.

My mum showed me a picture she had of me when i was about 14-15. She commented on how i 'had a lovely figure then' All i saw when i looked at it was an ugly, fat girl. The same thing i see when i look in the mirror. The photo was taken when i was near my highest weight, probabley about 120. I feel so far away from that girl, she isn't me, she doesn't even know me. I can't tell if the smile she has apon her face is fake or real.

I really don't know what i am doing here, even where i am, or what is happeneing. I am so uninvolved in everything that surrounds me.

So detatched, out of place.

Living in a parallel universe.

Spirits echo from the sands.

Illusions dance through the rain.

Objects move and settings change.

Sitting apon drying grass, thumbing through a poetry book as screams run through my head.

I am a ghost from a fragile place

In this world i am just a trick of the light.