Friday, Feb. 28, 2003/2:45 pm

spilled

I told her.

Last evening, she was watching tv, i sat in the armchair, twitching with nerves and spilled out my worries.

With a shaky voice, under aprehensive breathe i told her that i'd been ill, sick and that there had been lots of blood in it.

She didn't say too much.

Just that it was probabley nothing, but i said i wanted to have it checked out, that i was worried.

I waited for a hug, some assurance, anything, but it never came.

She isn't a mother to me. She doesn't even seem concerned, just burdened, irritated.

I need to be held.

Later on she came out with;

"I have had to put up with you like this for the last two years"

"Why can't you just loosen up, be like other sixteen year olds"

"I really don't like you at all at the moment"

No emotion, nothing, she doesn't want me here.

I made an emergency doctors apointment myself this morning.

It's at 4.50. 4.50. 4.50. The time bags against the nerves in my head.

I am still in my pajamas and dressing gown.

I feel so pathetic for living like this.

I saw some of my friends last night, they were at someones birthday party down my road, and they came up to see me, they were drinking and just acting really weird.

I felt like they were laughing at me.

It brings me to tears how normal people can be.

I sobbed into my pillow all night

My throat it so sore from the blood against my skin.

Rain is pouring down the window infront of me.

It's so pretty.