Sunday, Mar. 02, 2003/11:21 am

pause

It's at moments like this.

When i stop,

pause,

take a moment to reflect.

I look around me, i see other people moving about their day to day lives.

I can hear the sound of my brother in his room watching the football with his girlfriend.

Imogen and Frances were online and we were talking about summer again.

I wasn't with them.

They are too far away for me to be involved in what they are saying.

Writing appears across the screen whilst i distance myself. They say 'Claire?' 'Claireeee are you there' 'hello?'

I type back 'sorry, yes i'm here'

I'm not there though.

Everyone is moving forwards but i am falling, always falling, crashing.

I don't know how i am still holding on.

The thought of them i guess.

I wouldn't want to smash their happiness, just because mine is in the past.

Sometimes i think i'm only living for other people.

I have n-o-t-h-i-n-g.

Aside from the ache inside me, the turmoil, the despair.

That nobody realises i'm going through.

How will i ever be able to let anyone know?

Theres a clamp on my mouth, that stops me talking to them, reminds me that they don't have time for that.

Yesterday seemed like something positive on the outset, going to the docors, getting help.

I can't believe i did it, i really can't. I feel as if i deceived myself in a way, deceived the demon that leads me.

It didn't seem to make one difference. I can see why it should, but it didn't, i feel like i blanked my way through it.

I just needed to know i wasn't going to leave like this, not right now, not yet.

I havn't abused myself enough yet.

I can't remember feeling anything apart from this.

I'm always in the same passive position.

The same pose.

A moment of sadness frozen in time.

Motionless.

Silent.

Still.