Thursday, Mar. 13, 2003/9:20 pm

grey

It's hard to write at the moment.

I feel so enclosed in my own private hell that communication with the outside world is a struggle.

I'm not sure how today was.

I went to school, and even did P.E because we were in the gym. I changed in the loos as always but wore short sleeves for the first time in public for over a year. I haven't cut my arms in a while, i'm trying to lay off them because the leavers ball is coming up and i need to find a dress. I felt so self conscious but thankfuly nobody really noticed. The scars only really stand out when my skin is cold, when they'll show up as deep purple lines, motted on a grey backdrop.

I put all my effort into running on the treadmill, peddling on the bikes, watching with anticipation as the number of calories burned increased. It gave me quite a charge, i didn't talk to anyone, i just got on with it, they're goals just aren't the same as mine. I must lose more weight.

I was in my size small t-shirt which was too big, with baggy trousers, pale complexion and dry lips. Everytime i stood up from each exercise my head spun and my chest strained. A girl in my year said to me 'Oh my god Claire, your so skinny' and looked my up and down like a specimen of bad health. It was a shock because i have always concidered her as very, very thin. I couldn't understand why she would say that to me.

I stared at myself in the mirror for what seemed like hours earlier.

Thinking 'what can they see that i can't?'

I came to no new conclusions.

My eyes are drawn to layers of fat, layers of myself that i want gone.

I want to dissolve so no one has to see me.

Today i purged twice, but i'm trying to keep away from any more food tonight. I skipped my insulin again, but had to take some some last night because i didn't think i was going to be able to get through the next couple of days without it. I was so drained. Even if i sleep all day it seems to make no difference. Sometimes when i'm in the bath after throwing up dinner I haven't got enough energy to wash my hair. I just leave it, clean the bathroom of any suspicion and surcumb to the depths of rest.

I'm never going to get a minutes peace from this.

Until it's all over.

However that may be.