Tuesday, Mar. 11, 2003/11:10 pm

toxic

I always seem to rush into things with such velocity. Once my mind gets caught in something, i start to rush, i pour all my energy into that one thing and try to keep going until i trip and fall to the floor. It's as if a flame is lit and it starts to burn it's way through me, i have to keep going, as fast as i can, because i know that soon the light will blow out. I always have to be extreme with everything, push the boundries, i'm forever unsure of how long i'll have left. If i start undereating, may as well starve for days, when i cut, i have to bleed, i have to see streams of blood gaping from wounds. Binging is never underestimated, i'll always try to eat as much as i can, as much as i can fill myself with, as if to make it worthwhile. Now my attention rests on leaving out my insulin completly, forgetting the risks. I havn't had an injection for two more days now, even after what happened on Sunday. I feel terrible, but for some reason i keep going. lose weight, lose weight, lose weight The screams that may one day nail me to my coffin.

Maybe if i'm thin they will love me.

Maybe then they will smile when i walk towards them.

Let me plant tears on their shoulders.

Hold me and tell me it will be okay.

.......

I need to feel close to someone.

.......

I am always there for them.

I would never let them down.

If they are down i try to pick up the pieces and pull them back together.

It doesn't relate backwards though.

.......

I'm just a subtle presence of sadness.

One that looms behind unfolding events.

That only cries when she is alone.

The name that people tend to forget.

.......

Breathing through toxic air littered with self destruction