Sunday, Mar. 09, 2003/8:21 pm

ill

I'm. So. Tired.

Only got 4-5 hours sleep. I really felt like i was going to collapse today at work. I kept being given concerned looks, then again i was practically half dead and it's showed. Bright lights keep blinking into my eyes, i can't determine what certain colours are.

I just took a huge dose of insulin, i can't stay like this much longer. I have such low energy and am drinking non-stop. This will probably mean i'll have another hypo in the morning but whats new? I'm not going to school anyway, it doesn't matter.

I've gone much longer without an injection before, it must be worse this time because of the binging combined. I don't know how high i am because i've run out of test strips, though this could well be over 30 or even 40. I'm sure it's outdone the most i've ever been before now, which is 30.8.

I felt so awful when i got home that i eat and eat and eat, i was so full with diet coke anyway. Hopefuly i'll still lose weight by tommorrow though, it's should be okay, i'm counting on it. Purged in several different places, scared of blacking out in the middle of it. I was standing in the woods wondering what would happen to me if i just fainted amongst the undergrowth. I would like to lay there for days until there was no way of rescuing me. Sorry for being morbid.

I'm still so ill, my body crippled with sickness. My chest and stomach especially. I can't stop doing this to myself.

I'm still throwing up blood, it never did stop. Yesterday night i saw alot. I'm taking the pills the doctor gave me but they don't seem to be working. She told me to go back last Monday if nothing changed, hmmm i'm just a bit late. I might make another apointment if it doesn't miraculously clear up over the next few days.

I think this may be the worst state i've ever been in.

I can't see properly.

My legs seem like there about to give way.

I keep going limp at the knees and moving all over the place.

My face has no dew to it whatsoever, it's completely white.

If this is how things are on the outside i can't imagine the damage i'm doing inside.

I'm so glad i've actually found someone to understand this diabetic hassle, she is so lovely. Gwen thankyou for being here for me.

I am listening to that song 'Beautiful' by Christina Aguilera. The meaning isn't getting through to me though.

Insults are the only things i understand, compliments are screened out.

Theirs a paper bag over my head, it's stops certain words from reaching me.

I love you all, but hate me.

It's just the way things work.