Saturday, Mar. 08, 2003/9:48 pm

reasons misplaced

I have two aims for the upcoming week.

1) Get some work done.

2) Lose weight.

I think i have an idea which one means more to me.

My GCSE art exam starts on Tuesday, the official test, my one and only chance, it's 10 hours long. I have done no preperation, decided what i'm doing, or experimented with ideas. I pick up pastels in my fingertips and they feel so heavy, the attention i need drags me down and i can't stay alert at all. I need some proper sleep at night, i'm really going to try to go to bed soon. I've got work in the morning. I missed my science modules again on Monday when i was off school, didn't even know we had them. I never know whats happening. Events pass my gaze, lumbered with flashing lights but still i don't look round.

I made a cake today, a chocolate fudge cake, it's enormous. Thinking about it i made one last weekend, and perhaps the weekend before i can't quite remember. I'm so obsessed. Even when i'm undereating, i'm scouring through recipe books and staring at confectionery which somehow seems so fancinating.

I havn't had even one unit of insulin today, it's really exhausting me. Along with purging, and making sure i get every last bit out of me. I really need to shift some of these pounds, don't ask me why because i'm not sure anymore. It's just something i have to do. I've weighed myself numerous times today, i may check again in a minute.

My whole body aches.

I'm shaking and feel about 10 secounds behind everything else.

I need a break from this.

I want to feel what other people feel.

When they smile without a pretence.

Log onto the computer to start homework.

Try on clothes and aren't plagued with disgust.

Walk confidently.

Look in the mirror and think 'yeah, i look alright.' Instead of avoding that reflection all together.

I need a flutter of hope to shower over me.

It never will, no matter how much i wait.

I can't get up, and no one will reach down.

Left alone with my addictions.