Sunday, Mar. 16, 2003/10:29 pm

that i would be good

That I would be good even if I did nothing.

That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down.

That I would be good if I got and stayed sick.

That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds.

/

That I would be fine even if I went bankrupt.

That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth.

That I would be great if I was no longer queen.

That I would be grand if I was not all knowing.

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That I would be loved even when I numb myself.

That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed.

That I would be loved even when I was fuming.

That I would be good even if I was clingy.

/

That I would be good even if I lost sanity.

That I would be good whether with or without you.

/

* Alanis Morissette

/

Why can't she see that i can't help this.

I've been called seflish, greedy, disgusting every since my Mum has been home this afternoon. Everytime she walks past me she whispers 'pig' in my ear. I don't react, i don't know how to. I feel so dirty, my brothers friend is here and has heard everything thats been said, i am so ashamed. I just want to crawl up into a black hole.

Why is she so cruel? WHY does she always have to beat me down?! She dosn't even try to see things from my point of view. I can't handle this.

If i could stop i would.

I hate it all.

I hate overeating.

I hate it when i'm around food and theres no way out.

She always manages to make me cry.

I'm never going to be good enough for her, she will never love me, i do everything wrong, i'm just a bad person.

She was talking about school and saying that what makes me different from everyone else? How come i'm the one who is so behind?

Isn't it obvious how low i am.

I'm ill.

I just want someone to understand that.

I want to cut, i havn't in weeks but now i need to. I need deep, rough, lines to decorate my arms.

Theres is a box of 16 paracetemol downstairs.

I'm so close.

I can almost taste the soothing powder on my tongue.