Monday, Mar. 17, 2003/9:41 pm

emotional mess

The same words,

the same tears.

My throat is raw from the screaming,

I just threw a wooden chair across the room.

My brother isn't here tonight.

She's pulling me apart.

Why.Why.Why.Why.

idon'tknowhowmuchmoreicantake

I'm never safe, i have nowhere safe to go, nobody who will keep me safe.

Determined to wear me down, she may as well just tell me to kill myself, give me pills and a bottle of vodka.

Things got this bad because of me.

Me.

Me.

All me.

I'm the one who eats everything, everything that isn't mine, shouldn't be mine, i don't deserve any of it, not one bit.

Then throw it all up because i can't cope.

Unable to change.

I've done no work, none, again none. I can't think about it, any of it. Theres no point. I'm goin to fail anyway, just like i fail at everything else, just like i failed my family, failed myself.

All that takes place in my head is what shall i eat? what shall i purge? when? where? did i get it all out? lost/gained weight?

So fucking pathetic.

PATHETIC

I just feel so deep into this.

A mess of emotions, suicidal scenes playing in my mind.

Still, i am on msn right now talking to my friend from school, she asked me how i am and i said; okay, what about you? She's great, but doesn't know how to tell this boy she likes him.

The world she lives in is so much aside from mine. Yet I reply with enthusiasm, pretend i am involved in what she is typing.

They dont know i'm wearing out, blue eyes focused to the rain but turning red. Each numbing drop piercing my skin.

I'm trying to breathe, stop, think, rationalize but i'm shaking, heartbeat pounding in my chest.

I'm going to be sick.