Tuesday, Mar. 18, 2003/11:30 pm

hmmm

I feel very faint and disorientated.

I'm in one of those stupid moods where i just say random stupid things.

Pins and needles keep coming and going in my hands, legs, arms and even face sometimes. Uncomfortable spasms of it suddenly hit me and make me all weary.

I want to eat. Though, i also don't. I know i should just go and try to sleep but can't stop thinking about what lurks in the kitchen. I'm set to lose more weight tommorrow though, if i mess it up at the last minute tonight i will be very mad at myself. Desisions, desisons? It's so trivial how important things like that seem to me. It makes me out to be incredibley shallow. Even though i'm not like that at all, i never judge people by how they look. It makes no sence, i can see beauty within so many people but i still crave to be more than i am. To me, my insides are dark and disturbing. I don't like who i am, so i strive to bury it i guess. Something like that.

Haven't turned up at school at all yet this week, and tommorrow looks bleak. They won't have missed me. I'm thinking of asking if i can drop science because as i'm garenteed to fail it anyway, i have no coursework for it at all. Theres about 10 pieces needed in total i think. I don't care for that subject, molecules and the solar system have no way of interesting me. I'd rather write flyaway sentences in purple pen along my books whilst the teachers voice fades right away.

I'm always caught up in something else.

Right now,

i'm walking through a narrow hall, with sensous blue lighting.

Emotionless and stepping onto glaced white stones. They crumble beneath bare toes and chill my skin.

Serene but cold, icy. Enclosed but unmoved.

Eye lashes glued together, sealed from the day, only able to focus at night.

I'm so cramped, forced in, too weak to tear my way out.

Given up on looking for anything better.

I really don't know what the hell i'm writing, i just am. Hopefuly it makes some sort of sence. I think i should stop now. Yes now. Full stop.