Friday, Mar. 28, 2003/10:40 pm

the way i insist on heading

I'm so ill.

Woke up this morning at 5am, really parched, needed the toilet and a drink. I ended up being sick in the kitchen sink, without any form of self inducing. I threw up the pear i'd had before bed with acid and water, it was horrible. Eventually got back to bed crippled with pain, managed a few hours sleep then awoke at 7.45 to get ready for school. I couldn't move properly, i couldn't function, my chest felt tight and it was hard to breathe. I somehow lugged myself to the scales to find out i'd lost another 3 pounds. Then sank back into my covers. kept telling my Mum i'd be up in the next 10 minutes but when it came to it i was too weak to get up. I asked her to get me some breakfast, a small bowl of cereal and a yoghurt which i kept down. I needed too, my body starved of energy. I also persuaded myself to take my injection. It took my two hours to get ready, sort myself out, i went in at first break. It was so hard getting dressed, i litrally pulled my trousers on then had to lay down again for a while before i could attempt to put my shirt and jumper on.

I got out the house in the end, but have been extremely exhausted and faint all day.

I was very near crying at lunch but nobody noticed.

Lots of double vision and mislayed steps.

I had blue nails and purple skin earlier.

Frances said it was disgusting. I guess it is.

I've reached 90.

Eventually i've got there.

BMI 15.9. My lowest.

Hopefuly i won't gain from keeping food down.

I probably won't as i've skipped my evening insulin.

Next stop 84 pounds.

Hopefuly i can make it.

I've been finding it hard to swallow, my throat is strained, almost like it's closing up. Sometimes when i'm eating it suddenly becomes really sore.

I had soup and ice cream for tea which i purged, I couldn't cope with anything else bulkier.

I'm not binging as much, because i usually feel so sick it puts me off food. I depend on diet coke throughout the morning, perhaps b/p after school and then dinner.

I don't know why i am doing this.

What i am doing this for.

I just can't slow down.

I'm being asked lots of questions about everything. On the way home friends were on at me, saying i have no shape, asking where i've gone. I just wanted to be left alone, because i could never tell them whats happening. I still protest i eat normally even though it's obvious i don't at all.

Hopefully i'll feel a bit better tommorrow.

-

'What's the matter Mary Jane, you had a hard day

As you place the don't disturb sign on the door

You lost your place in line again, what a pity

You never seem to want to dance anymore

/

It's a long way down

On this roller coaster

The last chance streetcar

Went off the track

And you're on it

/

I hear you're counting sheep again Mary Jane

What's the point of tryin' to dream anymore

I hear you're losing weight again Mary Jane

Do you ever wonder who you're losing it for

/

Well it's full speed baby

In the wrong direction

There's a few more bruises

If that's the way

You insist on heading...'

-

Alanis Morissette, Mary Jane.