Thursday, Mar. 27, 2003/10:05 pm

Sitting on the edge of a knife

I feel as if i'm on show, being watched. Constantly panicy and edgy. When teachers talk to me i'm always focusing on what they may be thinking. Even though they don't fuss around me, i still get the impression their making assumptions. I am embarrassed of what they know. My art work is a figure standing alone in the middle with blue and purple shades. Then lots of brightly coloured people moving quickly around her. I am worried that they see that and then make ideas on whats going on inside me.

So threatened.

My interior goes deeper though, they'll never be able to get in, especially not now.

This has sent my mistrust soaring.

I can't count on anyone.

I didn't realise what was happening behind my back because no one discussed it with me.

They just plotted and whispered when i wasn't there, never approaching me.

Thats how everything is done.

I want to be talked with not talked about, but it doesn't matter what i want.

So i just continue to isolate myself, furthur and furthur into the frost, furthur and furthur away.

Thankyou everyone for the messages left, thankyou for reasuring me, i was very paranoid and uptight last night.

People kept commenting on my weight in P.E today. It made me so uncomfortable, i keep being lectured about it. I'm going to have to start layering my clothes more. Atleast i'll know i'm still shrinking then, they don't have to know. I looked so out of place in long sleeves, everyone else was dressed in the kit were supposed to wear, along with red t-shirts. There was nothing i could do though, my arms are such a mess, along with the rest of my body. Bright red cuts cover me. I can just clock them now, creeping out from wrists as my top moves up as i write. If i get disturbed i'll pull them down straight away. My Mum found the blades, within a day of buying them. they were in my draw, my draw, not hers, not my brothers, mine. Only I should be going in there, but somehow she 'came across them'. Thankfully i still had one hidden in my school bag. I am so grateful for that.

My blood sugars are very high again. Reached that HI display on my meter once more, which is frequently happening. I looked up what it actually means in my handbook and it reads; You may have a very high blood glucose level, exceeding 33.3 mmol/L (600 mg/dL) You should recheck your glucose level and if HI call your doctor immediately.

I'm so thirsty, dizzy and pale. Of corse i don't follow those instructions though. I don't care, as long as it helps me wake up lighter tommorrow. Ths usual chest and stomach pains are here. I'm also getting pains at the tops of my legs.

It's quite scary how unhealthy i've become.

Is it worth it? yesnoyesnoyesnoyesnoYes?

Ask me again when i'm thin and i might know for sure.