Monday, Mar. 31, 2003/9:55 pm

my little world

Lights down, dry mouth, swaying squares and shadows and blues.

Silence surrounds me.

I can hardly make out my own breathing noises.

I'm way back behind the busy flood, in empty, unused streets.

I feel so very depressed tonight.

Gained a couple of pounds back. One, maybe two, two and a half at the most. I've been finding it harder to purge today for some reason. As usual, i cannot see the fuller picture.

I want to find a gloomy, hole and shelter there until i'm small enough to come out and not be seen.

I'm logged out of msn, aim, my mobiles off, the curtains are shut and thats the way things are going to stay. I'm not going out tommorrow if i can help it, certainly not school, i don't want to have to leave the house. My anxiety and paranoia have caught me close but it's all that is here to catch me right now.

I used to talk to Cassie regularly on the phone, once a week at the least. I've put off ringing her for over a month now and she hasn't even bothered to notice. Im waiting for her to come to me for once, but she won't, nobody ever does.

So I find my razor, like a diamond amongst attic boxes. Shake the dust away and beam with discovery.

Comforts of red.

All the words i cannot speak.

I'll take a handful of laxatives soon.

I hope this is only water, please let this be water.

I must get back to 90, and lower, i won't watch this slip away from me.

I'm running,

from myself,

trying to find someone new.

I want to make a model out of clay and jump into posture.

I wish i actually had somewhere to run to.

Or someone to run with.