Monday, Apr. 07, 2003/10:27 pm

given up caring

Tonight i went out for a meal. Me, mum, brother and Kayleigh. Half way through i started getting comments like "you don't have to eat it all Claire, i don't want you making yourself sick" and my brother muttered something about binge eating under his breathe, i was the only one able to hear it.

I excused myself to go to the loo and started to purge the burger i'd just eaten. It was hard to get up so i was louder than usual, gagging slightly. I flushed the loo and stepped out the cubicle to see Kayleigh with a look of disappointment on her face. She said "finished chucking up yet?" I had no idea how to reply.

I made it back to the table, despite dizzyness and embarrasment. Then found out that my Mum had been in the toilets too. and heard everything, they had obviously both followed me. This revelation was spilled out over the table for all to hear. I went into a lapse of two panic attacks. Kayleigh noticed and spoke first with "It looks like she's having trouble breathing" My Mum came out with "Maybe she's trying to smile for once"

The way home was an atmosphere of silence and words that drifted past me. I can't care anymore. I wish they didn't know but they do, and theres nothing I or they can do about it. I was being treated like the stupid teenager that had sinned just to irritate people again, only I realise that it's not at all like that. I just had a bath and got rid of the rest of the meal, the knickerbocker glory that had followed for desert.

Shaking plagues the depths of my skin.

Nails match my lips in a color code of purple.

Actually, my nails could perhaps pass off as slight lilac but my lips are a deep, dark shade, it's almost like i really am dying. I'm trying to cover it up with lots of pink lipgloss.

I don't even see the point in testing my blood, i know what it will say. I also know it won't make any difference. I'm drinking glass after glass of diet coke again. My mum bought three 2 litre bottles at about 4 o clock, i'm nearly through the last of it by now.

I didn't make it to school today but i will go tommorrow. I can leave in the afternoon anyway as i have a college interview. Gwen sent me a text message to remind me that i need to sign a form for my coursework. She is a good friend, there are only two people i could class under that lable, her and Carolyn. I think i'll write them e-mails to let them know how much i appreciate them. Others i just can't be bothered with anymore.

I will try to go to sleep soon.

I seem to be ending so many diary entries on this point.

I was resting all morning but i am still exhausted.

I will set my alarm early for the morning, i need lots of time to gain the energy to get up.

With my head against the pillow, i can atleast manage to dream.