Wednesday, Apr. 09, 2003/11:47 pm

deeper wounds

Crying,

a strained feeling that erupts over my face,

sending little angels with black dresses down my cheeks.

My brother is at his girlfriends tonight.

I don't want to be in this house anymore with her.

The same struggle to remain calm.

Arguing, the same insults over again.

Somehow they still manage to tear wounds through my insides.

I didn't go to school today but i found out that Frances has broken my trust in her,

once more.

Each time i take it from her.

&&&alltheothers.

I'm ignoring her.

If i speak i swear i'll explode.

(best friend?) Not at all.

She doesn't know what it means.

I've ripped that postage note off us.

I hope i don't crack and let her print her footprints on me again.

I just can't take it anymore.

I can't take any of this.

People swarming around me. Comments on how i'm too skinny, as if a new attitude will suddenly give me a new brainwave or believity. I think it's quite rude, i am fine, they just make me want to run to where they can't touch me. I said something on Tuesday about people staring at me and Cassie replied 'maybe there trying to find you'. I liked that one, only that one, made me wonder what it really would be like to disappear.

Books and revision and work and more work, put off and delayed.

Things like that will never be able to fit. They'll always be wonky and out of place in my head.

My health is deteriorating.

My legs are cramping and tensing at the moment due to lack of insulin.

I feel like such an idiot for doing all this myself. Blood against my palms, as a constant reminder that i will never be able to scrub away, even with the strongest soap.

My movements don't even feel like my own anymore.

I'm standing back watching the wayward girl, float onwards. I can see what is happening to her but there is no way i can reach out to stop it. She doesn't want my help.

I'm so down, so far, so low. So lonely in this town. I'm like a ghost that nobody can see, overlooking others with life and love.

Still blue, and still tear-locked.

Wondering along this dark road, clutching a rosary by my side.