Sunday, Apr. 13, 2003/3:46 pm

danger

I haven't been able to write lately.

Sometimes i just find myself staring at the computer like the keys are stamped out in chinese.

I'm trying to find some sort of logic.

I am very shaky, keep having to go back and correct typos. Everytime i stand the room seems to shift into negative photo. And little white spots clutter my view. Pins and needles cling to my hands and feet. My friends called me a corpse on Friday.

I'm losing weight again. 89 at the moment, and falling. I don't know where this is leading me, whether good or not.

It doesn't seem right, nothing does. I look at that number and think that a thin person would weigh that. Not me, because i am still fat. Yes i can see rib bones but i can also see the thick flesh dipping beneath them. I can pinch the skin upon my fingers. This is not how i imagined it to be.

School is fnished for Easter. Though i have to take work in on the inset day in two weeks because i haven't fnished the coursework yet. I'm scared that i won't get it done, that i won't be able to gain the energy, the sanity. I can hardly get out of bed most days, today i stirred up at about 1.30pm. Living has become such a struggle.

I am talking to Frances. Small, scattered words but still talking. I gave in, i smiled at her and pretended what she did was fine. I am so feeble. We both know how things work though. She shouts, i scream inside, not out, not to her face, because she will always be better than i am. I can't treat her badly, it would break me to do that, i couldn't hurt anyone deliberatly, except me.

It's supposidley warm out, sunny, people are wearing short sleeves, some in skirts, caps, playing sports.

I am cold, my exterior feels frozen, sitting here with a baggy top on that covers a multitude of scars. Summers approaching too early for my liking this year. I'm not ready yet, still huddling under blankets and waiting for the rain. All things must pass i guess, i just wish i could call the wind back and turn the thermostat up.

I will never belong here.

I am a different shape, different colour, different thinker to the rest around me.

I want to jump into another person and pretend this isn't happening.

Swimming in a blood red pool of my dangerous mind.

Razor shap plates of glass float apon the surface.