Thursday, May. 15, 2003/6:06 pm

laying my cards down

Eating disorders can provide a way for the sufferer not to be heard,

not to be seen. A barrier from life.

Something to cling onto when huddled in my shell.

A way of coping with lonliness, and lack of self esteem.

A private concentration that pushes away other emotions.

Grabbing hold of some sort of comfort when everything else becomes too chaotic.

Losing weight wanting to erase every layer of fat, every layer of myself.

It's not about sympathy,

or self pity.

The belief that bulimics or anorexics are only after attention is the most ignorant thing that could be said on the subject.

The daily punishments, purging, starving, restricting, eating and eating until your stomach is painfuly full. These rituals give me an excuse to keep breathing. Without hurting myself i wouldn't be able to survive, keep going. It's a justification for being allowed to live.

Using food as a form of abuse.

I write in this diary because it gives me a place to vent, open the window and blow smoke through the wind. It expands my creativity and lets me stumble across others who understand.

Not everyones situations are the same. No one can base their own experiences for means to judge me. You can't get inside my head. Your comments have no relivance to what i feel, they may be true for you but not necessarily me. Don't measure yourself against someone you don't know at all.

I find it hard to fight back, and avid readers will know that but to the people who have been signing my guestbook, not least 'lisa' please just leave. If you don't like me then just turn around, press the x in the corner and don't return. And Gemma, thankyou for sticking up for me when i couldn't myself.

I am affected by what people say. Yes, critisism makes me flinch whearas compliments float past, i cannot take the good comments in. This is simply because my cover is fragile, and the smallest things have become able to tip me right over the edge. I have never been able to accept myself, and when others don't it simply instates what i already know. That i am all wrong.

I have met some amazing people here, i guess when you start getting insults it comes as a shock. I always felt safe here, before now.

I do not want you to feel sorry for me.

Sympathy is the last thing on my mind.

My routines have become a blur. A blur that makes it hard to decifer one moment from the next.

I find it much easier to accept a slap in the face than an arm round my shoulder. Doesn't mean it's not going to bring me down. I am only human. I am far from bulletproof. My moods rise up and down with just one click of thought.

As for thinking i'm the victim. I am well aware this is all my own mess, that i created, because i am weak. How can i be a victim of my own doing? There are no other persecutors. No executioner or prepared hanging block. It would be easier if there was one specific person to blame but there isn't. Only me, standing here wishing i could dissapear.

I hope some of this makes sence.

I just wanted to reply somehow. An explanation for my own clarity. The best defense i can form.

I'm just laying my cards down on the table.