Monday, May. 19, 2003/8:26 am

rushed explanation

Stinging, dried and fresh blood.

Dripping from new wounds,

pounding from old ones.

I cut last night,

the night before and this morning.

Woke up, wiped the hair away from my eyes and grabbed my razor in the draw beneath my bed.

7 ripe wounds, still managing to soak there way through my shirt, i can't stem it anymore.

I have exams today, science modules, yet i have no idea which ones or the sheduled times. I have to go into school for nine. hope i don't have to stay long. When i'm there i feel so on edge, i don't know what i'll do.

I have bracelets round my wrists just incase.

My arms an art exhibition for pain.

& now, finally i come to explain what happened on Saturday, as best as i can.

To be honest i can only remember parts.

I wasn't thinking straight.

I had been to a few other shops, lifted a few Cd's, perfume, food. It was flowing through me, that energy, that sudden urge shouting 'more, more, more!' Rushing, paniced reactions, dropping things, not even wondering about being seen. I was in a bubble unable to see the truth of what was going on. Next i went to Dbenhams, up to the resteraunt,got a drink which i sipped half of before leaving on the floor in an aisle. Then to the cosmetic counters, my haven, i seem to have a makeup obsession at the moment, another thing to add to the list. I was stuffing everything in my bag, just whatever i could get my hands on, up my sleeve, not stopping once to try and rationalise. I knew that i could well be caught but i didn't stop. I couldn't stop.

I know it sounds like a pathetic, stupid excuse but i didn't know what i was doing. I was aware of it, i had pushed myself on to do it but i felt out of control to say no. To put the items down and leave. Instead i left with my bags filled with products that weren't mine to take.

The security guard stopped me outside. Took me to a depressing little room in the basement. A magnolia box with white plaster beams. I was panicy and very shaky, crying and crying. I fell into numerous panic attacks, my heavy breathing the only sound in the space at some points. They asked me to put the stolen items from their shop or any other in Guildford out on the table infront of me. At first i said the Cd's were bought but they figured me out because the security seals had been ripped off in order to get them out of the store without an alarm sounding. I had to own up. There were also jewlerry, hair bands, bottle of pink fcuk eau de parfum, and two lipglosses stached away which they didn't find. Which i still have. I feel dirty using any of it.

It was so petrifying.

I was just sitting there completly hysterical,

glazy, fazy, hazy, they must have thought i was crazy.

Maybe i am.

They said they had CCTV footage of me and that they'd use the picture of my face to keep me from Debenhams from now on. If i'm seen in the store 'immediate action will take place' This chills my bones, i keep having nightmares about watching myself on camera. I'm scared to go in any shop incase they are watching me. I don't want to be watched, i don't want anyone to study where i'm walking, what expression i have on my face. I just can't handle that.

The police were called, i was arrested. Being sentences the words that i've before only heard on TV. Questions, statements, signitures, confessions...tears blocking my view. They found out i was diabetic, and it was obvious i wasn't stable so they decide to take me all the way back to my house. They were apparently also worried i was going to run away or harm myself in some way if they let me go alone. I spoke to my Mum on the phone. She was better than i expected. She said she realised i wasn't myself, that it was compulsive and misunderstood in my own head.

When they asked me if i knew excatally what i had taken i couldn't reply, i don't know. I was out of any perspective, sedated in a blur.

When i got home i just wanted to crawl up and never see anyone again, especially my own reflection.

I had a bath and sank down in the bubbles wishing they'd swallow me up.

I didn't take any insulin Saturday or Sunday Morning. Yesterday i was purple, cold, couldn't swallow or move properly because my legs were cramped. I went for half a day at work and it was so hard, i couldn't carry or pick things up, near to fainting again. I'm considering giving it all up.

Mum snapped yesterday when i was asking her to buy some more diet coke. Flew of the handle, shouting, screaming, saying 'i don't know how i've kept my hands of you till now' Told me how she and Matthew have been 'walking on eggshells' 'trying to be nice' and she can't do it anymore. So act up i guess. She's calmer now, but i'm waiting for the next trigger.

It's funny how none of my friends know any of the events of this weekend and they never will.

Atleast i've managed to write now.

Bits of it anyway. I keep hearing parts of lectures in my mind, but it's so fragmented and distorted.

I need to go.

School.School.School.

Purge.Get ready.Go.

I'm going to be late.