Saturday, May. 17, 2003/11:33 pm

hurting

I don't know how i came to be standing at this point.

How i changed into this person.

With skin that melts under pressure.

Eyes that cry when pebbles are thrown.

Or stiffen when stones are pelted.

Never knowing where i'll go, where i'll find myself. Where this twisted mind will take me next.

Eating disordered.

Self harmer.

Shoplifter.

Anxious.Scared.Alone.

This.Afternoon.Was.So.So.So.Frightening.

I just want to forget it all.

Every second.

Every stream of mascara covered tears.

Every shake and every gasp for air.

Cold stares. nawing through me.

I lost my mind and went on a rampage.

Sanity trampled under my feet. Out of mind, out of any clarity, just one long faze.

I can't explain this now.

It's too much to take in, think about, write about.

I'll just say i have exclusion order from debenhams.

A dot on my record, and a filthy, guilt ridden concience.

My new obsession trapping me before i'd even started. Stuck to paper which shouldn't even be glued yet.

I'll be back updating tommorrow.

For now i need to sleep.

I feel emotionally and physically drained of energy and life.

I have one current thought,

that i want to bleed,

and bleed,

and bleed.

Hurt myself in cuts over and over.

I held myself back the other day but i can't now.

The prom doesn't matter, i don't even care if i'm alive to go.

I'm so beaten up inside, hurting, disintergrating from fear, shame and such confusion. Too many years i've been cramped up under all this.

The skies have turned to madness, and i'm caught in the glare, drawing it in through my fingertips.

I must hurt.

I need to feel it,

the sting,

the slice,

the mess.

Then collapse. And hope the next fold of day never comes.