Sunday, Jun. 01, 2003/12:11 am

imagine

You'll find no sence in my signs,

rambles behind cloudy air,

hands trembling.

Unfiltered water misted with aged grey particles.

You see a slight figure,

arms round my waste,

eyes to the floor,

lips closed.

I'll laugh when i see you and say something stupid.

Just to [fill the gap] of s-i-l-e-n-c-e.

Clumsy words clutter the tension but your not trying& it dosn.t even bother you.

All that's here is my awkward attempts at conversation.

You don't need to try, your not pretending, your you and your okay being you.

I don't even think your listening anymore, were you ever?

I remember one (friend) who i had planned to meet one day back in half term, Feburary, just to generally wander around the town with. I wanted to tell (her) i was throwing up gashes of blood and that i was scared, so scared, i needed some support, to talk, just talk. When i found her she told me that she could only stay for 10 minutes because she had somewhere else to be, and other people to be with.

I never did tell her. I felt like crying but i didn't. Until she left.

Theres a gaping hole inside, emptyness chewing away at torn insides.

Sometimes i still try to kid the naive part of me. Convincing thoughts of wellbeing. Maybe i am fine. I must be, i'm still alive, i can still see myself, i haven't gone yet. I'm okay, i'm okay until i'm blacked out on the floor. Look at me, see i can smile, see? Go on, uncover your sight and fall for this.

I really don't know what i'm thinking half the time.

Blue veins cluster my arms and calves. Especially on my hands, a web of thick, severe lines raised from my skin. Then spreading in one central, straight route right up to my elbows. They hurt at times. A 60 year old should have veins like this not a 16 year old. They are starting to appear purple. Something must be wrong.

For a long time now i've been getting a strike of electric shock in my head at random moments. Sounds eccentric i know, i have no idea what it's about. It's happening nearly every day now. Yesterday i was have a drink as usual and it suddenly hit me, making me scream and choke on my milk. I'm also waking up 2 or 3 times on average during the night with painful leg cramps.

I should have been revising but instead i've been looking through the tf and searching for details on diet pills. Trying to figure out how i can get some. My science exam is Monday, Maths on Wednesday. English Language Thursay, RE Friday. All i'm concerned about is the space i have left for staying at home to b/p. Thank god for Tuesday. I'm attempting to sway myself towards a fast. As soon as i can, i need a break from food. I need it so badly, whether i can do it though is another matter. I want to reach lower numbers before i try, which would hopefuly give me more determenation to keep at it.

Marshmellows floating in toilet water.

The crunch of leaves, under trainers, out on another walk down secluded woods after eating too much.

I want to wash out my soul, to make me clean, sparking, pure, clear. Mountain dew.

I want to be special, not boring, not average, but original. I am not though, i have never been, not at school, not ever. The only badge i could own would be for the quietest person in the class of 2003. Not worth a second glance. A closed book thats been read before.

Cut off diseased parts and sew on others.

Attain gold spirit and leave rags behind. On the floor for the fairy godmother to tidy away.

Turnmearound//upsidedown//insideout.

Sweep away the gloom and hand me wisdom.

Theres no other way of repair but my imagination.

Needle and thread through the flesh.