Monday, Jun. 02, 2003/10:06 pm

why

Where do i belong?

The silence struggles beneath my bones, wriggling under drying cement. Keeping me low, secrets laying on my conscience.

Sometimes i just wish i could get drunk and spill it all out, then i wouldn't have to keep it inside anymore. Then maybe i would be able to breathe.

Hands that hold a million lies. Some white, but some black. Some that would make people pause, shocking looks, and others that would be forgotten in an instant if released. Too many scars scraped through skin, times left standing crying, alone, scared, wanting to end it all. Watery eyes falling down porcelein with blood and food. Too many memories of just me with myself, and no one to talk to, no one i could even consider.

whywhywhywhywhy Did i ever let it get to this point?

I lost it, I lost all grip of everything. Now it's smashed, unrepairable. Gone.

Red, ripped, torn rationalisation.

Standing in the rain with nowhere to go.

Foolishly drowning. Living in a glass house waiting for children with stones in their pockets.

The science exam wasn't too bad today. I am only doing the foundation paper which means the highest i can get is a C, because i'm basically awful on the subject. I used up only half the time and wasted the rest of the time singing songs in my head and thinking of eating. I got out of there as soon as possible, stuck around to talk to no one. I had nothing to say. I don't care about what questions i answered and which i didn't. What did i white for this/that? Did i find it hard/easy? I didn't revise, i went in with no hidden clues. I do think i managed to make it through, just scribbled all i could about whatever i could. I took pinprick ideas and made it seem like i knew what i was talking about. It's worked for me before, lets hope it does this time. If not, well, i'm not extremely bothered. Science will never be any use to me whatsoever. Give me a pad of paper, a pen and a stroke of wisdom over a boiling testube any time.

I walk down the stairs in my home. The light wavers from the sitting room, a low ambience, a glitter of orange over blue carpet and ugly pebble dashed walls. I feel unsafe. I feel unsafe and threatened by each thought that crosses my mind. Each sight, smell, sound that reminds me of what i have done. This is where i corrupt myself, where i stick pins through a dough baked figure that is wilting fast. I could be steering towards the kitchen, ready to binge. I could be making my way to the kitchen sink or outside to throw up. I could be finding another spot where people won't be near me. Being alone is all i know.

I want a way out but there isn't one. I can't tunnel through this because i don't have a torch or a plan. All i have is a fridge full of food and diet coke.

My weight somehow traveled back up to 90. I had been avoiding it as usual, disgusted and angry at my failure. 90 is small, yes i know that but it isn't as small as i can go. Nothing is ever satisfactory. However, i'm losing again. Stomach feels tighter, acidic fluid rising up to my throat, a signal of emptyness. I need to get back down to 82, thats where i got to last time. Then on to 79, the new goal.

Paint me the colours that i want to be.

Black surrounds me and i'm blending away.

It all ends,

when i tumble and break.

Into,

absolute noir night.

A shadow of doubt dissapearing through the rabbit hole.